For decades, men who choose to engage in problematic sexual behaviors have been treated as “addicts” according to the traditional addiction model. Tragically, professionals label victims co-sex addicts, or codependents. Here’s what you need to know before scheduling an appointment with a “CSAT therapist near me.”

If you need support, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions.

Trauma Is Caused By Abuse, Not Addiction

When CSATs and other experts mislabel betrayed women as co-addicts/codependents, they minimize the effects of betrayal trauma. The traditional CSAT addiction model mislabels and blames victims. Understanding and accepting that betrayed women are victims of trauma adds a further element of accountability to their unfaithful partners. Trauma is a direct effect of abuse. By correctly labeling victims, perpetrators are held accountable for their abusive behaviors, rather than condoned or justified.

“Many people can agree that partners experienced trauma. Naturally the implication is, If you can agree that they experienced trauma then why is it so hard for you to wrap your head around the fact that they’re a victim of abuse?”

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

The Traditional Addiction Model From A “CSAT Therapist Near Me” Blames Victims

When victims of betrayal are labeled “codependent,” a covert layer of blame is assigned to them. Society understands that victim-blaming is wrong. As we use the correct terminology for victims, and accept research-backed truths about betrayal trauma, victim-blaming vanishes.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Supports Victims Of Betrayal & Abuse

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand the devastation of re-traumatization when professionals label victims “co-addicts” or “codependents”. This model is simply outdated and wrong, and at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we treat every betrayed woman as a traumatized victim, in need of compassion, empowerment, and validation.

The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets daily in every time zone and offers victims a loving community of support. Join today.

Transcript: What You Need To Know Before Scheduling With A “CSAT Therapist Near Me”

Anne: It’s just me today. It’s heartbreaking, Many women who find this podcast have just found out their husband uses pornography. Or that he’s been secretly paying for women who have been exploited. Otherwise known as prostitutes, or other secret things.

If this has happened to you, maybe you went to clergy, and the clergy suggested your husband is a addict. Or perhaps you went to therapy, and a therapist suggested he’s a pornography addict. And that diagnosis probably makes sense to you. Because if he wasn’t some kind of addict, why would he have been lying to you for years about his pornography use or other secret behaviors?

And if you do a little research, you’ll see that many people recommend a CSAT a certified addiction therapist. So thinking you might need to get your husband one of these therapists that specializes in addiction, you might Google “C-SAT therapist near me.” I don’t think it’s a good idea to Google “CSAT therapist near me.” I don’t even think you should set up an appointment.

And the rest of this episode, we’ll explain why searching for a CSAT therapist near me is not a good idea.

Understanding Codependency Diagnosis From A “CSAT Therapist Near Me”

Anne: We first need to talk about codependency. Codependency came out of the chemical dependency scene in Minnesota, around the 1970s. That was when the term was originally used to describe the symptoms that people would have, who were closely related to, or in a relationship with someone with a chemical dependency problem.

The basic idea of codependency is that a codependent person has, “Let another person’s behavior affect her.”

Now, before I get any farther. I’m setting this all up for you to realize how wrong this is. To know a little bit about what to expect when you go to a “CSAT therapist near me.” So the man who invented the CSAT certification is Patrick Carnes. He developed a certification for therapists called a Certified Addiction Therapist or CSAT, which became the apparent gold standard in how to treat addiction. But then, as the wives of these so-called addicts showed symptoms, he didn’t know how to help them.

So he adopted codependency as a way to diagnose and treat wives of addicts, and argued they had a disease like the addicts. He had a addiction, and she was a codependent. And that he could treat them both simultaneously, in the same setting.

But he hid this codependency under a new name, and he had diagnosed these women as co addicts. But it basically meant the same thing as codependent. Stephanie Carnes, prominent CSAT and daughter of Patrick Carnes, has the definition of co- addict in her book, mending a shattered heart.

Stephanie Carnes’ Definition Of Co-Addicts

Anne: She describes co-addiction as someone who is married to, or in a significant relationship with, an addict. She says these so-called co addicts demonstrate behavioral characteristics, including denial, preoccupation, enabling, rescuing, taking excessive responsibility, emotional turmoil, efforts to control, compromise of self and intimacy issues.

So how is codependency diagnosed? One of the main diagnostic criteria for codependency is that she’s trying to control the addict. Then Stephanie Carnes goes on to say, like addiction, co-addiction can range in severity. And then the “treatment.” For a co addict, she learns how to stop letting the addict’s actions affect her. And recognizing that her efforts to control his behaviors are part of her illness.

So the main reason not to Google “CSAT therapist near me” to get an appointment with a CSAT. Is that you don’t want to be diagnosed with some pathological problem when you’re trying to get help. But let’s pretend like you interview a bunch of CSATs, and several tell you, “Oh, you’re not codependent, you’re actually suffering from betrayal trauma.”

Betrayal Trauma vs. CodependencyModel Used By A “CSAT Therapist Near Me”

Anne: Which sounds good, because betrayal trauma is the right term to use. Thank goodness it’s not a diagnosis. Healthy women react in a normal way to abuse. So if they use this term betrayal trauma, you’re like, oh, I’ll be in good hands.

But the problem is they’re not using the right model. They’ve just slapped the right word on the same old codependent, co- addict model “treatment.” And so today, with everything we know about abuse, CSAT therapists still use the codependent, co-addict model. But instead of saying she needs to recover from her codependency, they say she needs to heal from her trauma. And to heal from her trauma. What does she need to do?

And they’ll tell you the same thing. Not be affected by his actions. So it’s no different than codependency in terms of what they tell you to do. And how to interact with your abusive husband. They did not and do not identify your normal reaction to abuse due to his abuse. So let’s go through these symptoms one at a time.

The first one denial. They say, if you refuse to see your part in it, then you’re in denial. You’re not in denial. Your husband lied to you. That’s totally different than denial.

Preoccupation Is A Normal Reaction To Abuse

Anne: Preoccupation, well, of course you’re preoccupied. It’s not a sign that you’re sick. It’s a sign that you’re smart. You’re rightfully trying to ensure you’re safe. For example, if someone steals from your online bank account, and you notice a lot of money gone. It would be normal to be preoccupied with checking your bank account every day. You might end up checking it several times a day. That would be a normal thing to do.

They say you’re enabling him by rescuing him. I don’t know what they’re talking about. You want a safe and peaceful home. And so you are resisting the abuse. You try to get him to stop abusing you, because divorce feels unsafe. Breaking up your family feels unsafe. That’s not rescuing him. That is a safety seeking behavior, because you are a completely normal person who loves her husband and wants to protect her family.

And ignoring the abuse will not protect you or your family, and you know that. And so you’re going for help. But then this help tells you that you’re the problem for going for help, and you should not be affected by his behavior.

Misogyny In Therapy By A “CSAT Therapist Near Me”

Anne: So it’s a misogynistic way of basically silencing a victim to stop her from resisting the abuse, so that he can continue to do whatever he’s going to do without her complaining about it or doing anything about it. It’s extreme victim blaming, and this type of therapy traps victims into further abuse. Taking excessive responsibility, there’s anything wrong with taking responsibility for yourself.

They say you have emotional turmoil, which is apparently a problem. Your emotions will be all over the place because you’re being groomed. And then overtly abused. Of course, an abused woman is emotionally dysregulated. That makes sense.

They’re saying you are trying to control him. That’s not happening either. You are trying to create safety. They’re saying you’re angry, and that’s a bad thing. You’re angry and fantastic! You should be angry. They’re saying you have “issues.” Nope, you’re just a healthy person who doesn’t want to be intimate with an abuser.

Symptoms Of Abuse Are Normal For Victims

Anne: She could also have physical symptoms. For example, her husband, who’s been cheating on her for years when he bought services from a prostitute, then he doesn’t use protection with his wife. A woman who gets a STI from her husband, who she thinks is monogamous. That’s going to bring all kinds of emotions and reactions, and all of them are normal.

Similarly, her physical safety is on the line here. Having a roof over her head, being able to parent her children. Being able to feed her children. These are also physical risks. She doesn’t want to be out on the street nursing a baby. So to label her emotional reactions as a disease and be like, oh, why is she so angry? Oh, she needs to come at this healing from a place of compassion, not anger, is crazy. She should be angry.

The Reality Of Abuse Is Emotional Ups & Downs

Anne: Some women go numb. When women go numb. Many people will be like, oh, you’re reacting well to this. It may sound like a compliment, but it’s a veiled threat. Like, oh, you’re reacting well to this because you’re not reacting at all. Means, if you were reacting in any other way, like becoming angry or having emotional ups and downs. Getting up in front of your whole congregation and telling them the whole story. That is inappropriate.

But being numb after abuse actually means you’re frozen in a highly traumatized state. Only functioning administratively, and suppressing a lot of your deeper reactions for your own survival. That’s not reacting “Well.” If they’re telling you that feeling numb is good. And anger and uncontrollable crying is inappropriate. That can’t be right. That doesn’t even make sense.

Because most victims cycle through different stages of being numb, crying and angry. The reality is that you’re resisting abuse the best way you know how at the time. Not even understanding it’s abuse. And how you react makes sense. She actually focuses on her own emotional and psychological safety. That’s why she Googled “CSAT therapist near me.” That’s why she scheduled an appointment.

If her husband’s behaviors didn’t affect her, she wouldn’t be concerned about it. But a CSAT therapist will tell her that his actions are due to his addiction and don’t have anything to do with her. While simultaneously telling her she’s now suffering from pathological trauma. That she needs to resolve so that the marriage can heal.

Recap Of A “CSAT Therapist Near Me” Circus

Anne: So to recap, this circus, a “CSAT therapist near me” will tell you, this isn’t about you. He’s not doing it to hurt you. And to heal from the trauma. They never tell you what the trauma is from. You need to focus on not letting his behaviors affect you. There’s no part of that. That makes sense. Even though this has nothing to do with you. This affects you. It hurts you. And you’re not part of the solution.

I find most women who have spent a lot of time in couple therapy or in pornography addiction recovery therapy with their addicted husband. When they learn about emotional and psychological abuse and intimate coercion. They feel validated. Many women write me and say, “How did I not know this was abuse?” Why did the CSAT therapist near me, that I paid thousands of dollars to, not identify what this actually is, which is abuse?

Women resonate with the abuse model because they are abuse victims. And it’s the only thing that makes sense. So after a victim listens to this podcast, she may go back to the addict or the CSAT therapist and say, “Hey, this is abuse.” Even though you’re trying to get to safety, and that’s the intent of confronting your abuser or telling his therapist that it’s abuse.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we teach a safety strategy that helps you avoid confronting them. Because in that case, both the addict and the abuser will deny it. Or they’ll admit it. But it still won’t give you the right solution.

The Ethical Dilemma Of Treating Victim & Perpetraters Together

Anne: So let’s look at the first one, when they deny its abuse. Most pornography addiction, recovery programs or addiction programs, whether the therapist is a “CSAT therapist near me” or not, will push back, because if it’s abuse, she doesn’t need therapy. And if she doesn’t need to go to therapy, or she’s not involved somehow. Her husband will not go to therapy.

And I want you to know that the therapist may or may not know that it’s abuse. He might know it’s abuse, but avoid identifying it. Or he might not understand abuse at all, so he says it’s not abuse. But when they refuse to call it abuse, for whatever reason, it’s because it’s unethical to treat a victim and perpetrator in the same setting.

The second the word abuse is brought up, they’ll have to basically say, I’m sorry, I can’t treat you because this is abuse. So they would have zero clients, because it’s always abuse. That would implode their entire practice. And what would they do for a living? That one is about money. And let’s look at the second one when they admit it. But they still don’t give you the right solution. So there’s about a one in a million chance that they are going to identify the abuse.

If they do, the therapist does not want to lose you as a client. They want to make money off of you. So they’re going to give you the impression that they can help him. So they’re going to say. If you keep coming back and work together, he can stop his abusive behaviors. As long as you’re willing to do your part in this relationship. And you’re going to be like, of course, because I want to save my family.

CSAT Therapists Are Marriage & Family Therapists

Anne: They’re not going to say to you, this is abuse, and it’s unethical for me to treat an abuser and a victim. And so I can’t see either of you. See, if you go to a “CSAT therapist near me,” they are likely marriage and family therapists. And the foundation of their training is family systems, which means everybody has a part to play. And it absolutely does take two people to create a healthy relationship, but it only takes one person to destroy that relationship.

A secret life, lying, pathological manipulation, gaslighting, grooming, deflection, withdrawal, coverup, hiding and blaming. None of these things take two people to pull off. One person can do them all by themselves. So whether the CSAT does not identify the abuse at all and says, no, no, no, this isn’t abusive, or identify the abuse and tell you, yes, it is abuse and I can help you. Either way, it is unethical. The therapist should never, ever be the therapist for an abuser and his victim.

BTR’s Approach To Abuse Is Teaching Safety Strategies

Anne: Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t think victims of abuse are pathological. We don’t think victims need treatment. We think victims need to be educated about emotional and psychological abuse and intimate coercion. And since victims resist the abuse by going for help, we teach them effective safety strategies. She’s been resisting the abuse the whole time, trying to establish emotional and psychological safety in her home. She just didn’t realize what she was facing.

And not knowing that it was abuse and not knowing that what she was resisting was abuse. She did exactly what she was supposed to do. Which was to go for help. But the problem was that the person she went to for help, did not help her. And that’s not her fault

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we say to victims of abuse. Hey, you did great. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, and resisted abuse by going for help. You were trying to get to safety. Good job. And no matter where you are in your journey to emotional and psychological safety.

There are safety strategies that work for everyone, no matter what their situation. Whether you’re still married, living with an abuser in your home, or even post divorce when you’re suffering from post-separation abuse. When he’s using your kids as pawns to continue to manipulate you.

Living Free Workshop Teaches Strategies That Work

Anne: So I’ve created The Living Free Workshop. That will teach you safety strategies that work. As we learn these new safety strategies. It’s important that we interact with other women who have been through this. Who have experienced the same type of wounding, and can hold our experience and our pain and we can do that together in our betrayal trauma recovery group sessions.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, that’s what we’re all about. We’re here for you, and we’re anxious to help you.