Most of the women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community are comfortable talking about their emotional pain. Betrayal hurts. But few want to talk about why does sex hurt.
After her husband’s sexual betrayal, it’s common for women to stop enjoying sex. Here are 6 possible reasons why.
1. Sexual Coercion and Marital Rape Are Hard to Identify
Tragically, when infections have been ruled out, women are often left with no answers and excruciating pain from sex. They may be told it’s “all in their heads” or that they are just stressed out and need to relax.
Rarely does a dr or anyone else ask a woman if she’s being sexually coerced in her marriage. It’s rare that anyone asks her, “Does your husband use pornography?” or “Do you know if your husband is lying to you about sexual behaviors outside your marriage?”
2. Sexual Abuse Causes Sexual Pain
It is a fact that sexual abuses creates sexual pain in victims. When sex hurts, it’s important to consider that you may be a victim of your husband’s sexual abuse.
In many cases, women married to men who use pornography feel neglected, emotional distress and a sense of betrayal.
This situation can result in feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and have a profound emotional impact because it’s emotionally and psychologically abusive to be lied to constantly.
3. How Can I Identify Why Sex Is Hurting?
Learn to identify sexual coercion in marriage? Ask yourself these questions:
- Does sex physically hurt?
- Does he tell you that you “owe him” sexual contact because he has spent money on you, is in a relationship with you, did a favor or housework for you, etc.?
- Does he give you drugs or alcohol before sexual contact?
- Does he sulk, get violent, get angry, pout, keep you awake, degrade, belittle, or do anything but kindly accept your “no” when you decline sexual contact?
- Does he continue sexual contact even after you have changed your mind and said no (even if you initially said yes?)
- Does he threaten or intimidate you into saying yes? (He will hurt you, get angry or violent, or find another woman if you don’t have sexual contact with him).
4. Here’s Why Sex Hurts When There’s No Mutuality
Mutual sex is not:
- A woman having sexual contact with her partner when he hasn’t disclosed his sexual history and/or currently or in the past has/is having sexual experiences that she is not privy to.A woman saying no repeatedly
- A woman saying yes out of fear
- A woman saying yes after intitially saying no
- A woman saying yes and then changing her mind partially through the sexual experience
- A woman saying yes because her emotional safety is threatened
Mutual sex is:
Mutual sex is when both partners have all the information, they’re transparent with each other and have each other’s best interest in mind. It’s safe when a woman feels safe, loved, and connected because she IS safe, loved, and connected (not manipulated to feel that way).
Furthermore, there are no secret sexual experiences that her husband has had/is having that he has not disclosed to her in full prior to the sexual contact.
6. Why Does Sex Hurt? What Can I Do To Find Relief?
- Determine your husband’s true character: Listen to The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast and enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to discover exactly what’s going on with your husband and what to do about it.
- Set and maintain effective boundaries around safe sexual practices: only have sex with someone you trust and love after he has proven that he is trustworthy over a substantial period of time. This means no abuse, at all. Period.
- Schedule an appointment with your doctor to get tested for STDs and STIs. Tragically, abusive men often lie or withhold the truth about their sexual history and it is wise to rule out infections as the cause of your pelvic and sexual pain.
- Gently and Patiently Begin a Healing Regiment: Try Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy, an at-home pelvic wand for releasing painful trigger points, yoga for the pelvic floor, or acupuncture. There are many holistic and helpful treatments available for women suffering from pelvic and sexual pain.
- For More Immediate Relief: take a bath and mix one cup of baking soda into the warm water; find a comfortable stretch and take deep belly breaths and you stretch; take a nap; change into loose-fitting clothes rather than constricting and tight pants and underwear; get hydrated and make sure that your bladder isn’t completely full or completely empty; if you have been sitting, try standing or walking; place an icepack or heating pad between your legs.
- Remember that you’re not alone: pelvic and sexual pain can feel very isolating. At BTR, many women find camaraderie in knowing that they are not the only one suffering from this kind of pain. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session and find support as you begin your journey to healing.
The public health crisis is that women are taught from birth that if a man doesn’t “LOVE” them, they are NOTHING. Men do not love women. Men love sex and power and money and praise, etc. They do not seem to even have a concept of love. Once that is a given then women can protect themselves. My “pet pig” says that “the secret to happiness is low expectations.” For once, he’s telling the truth.
Makes me think that arranged marriages (like corporate mergers) may not be such a bad idea. Just write a good contract and then hold thier lying, stinking, slimy feet to the fire.
Yes, I hate men. I have NO reason to feel otherwise.
I feel like “Connie” and I shared a life. Our stories are practically identical, including me reaching out to his people after for help and ME becoming the “crazy one”. Yet, when I first met him they loved me and were so grateful that he finally had a God fearing woman in his life. The fact that he abused me, walked out on me, and had a secret girlfriend (and daughter for 18 years) somehow made me the bad guy.
Thanks for exposing this insidious behavior!! I can relate to much of what is described and I’m sickened that I didn’t know I was being abused either. We were together for nearly 30 years before he ran away with 2 of 3 teens. I’m really worried for my two kids that he’s alienated from me and that yet another generation of perpetrators and or victims will now be unleashed into the world. I have only seen my kids once in three years! My daughter has no idea that she’s been the victim of covert incest, by becoming her father’s surrogate spouse. He love bombs them with $$, new cars, trips, out of state university, new expensive house, etc. They have no clue what the truth is. He’s smeared me throughout the family and beyond. Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to drive me to suicide to literally erase me for good. Lucky for me our youngest teen caught on and chose to stay with me instead of going along with the colluding runaway gang.