Wondering what to do when your husband lies? Here are 8 things to keep in mind when you’re overwhelmed and confused about your husband’s lies.
Women Feel Trauma When Their Husband Lies
Gaslighting, outright lies, blame-shifting, and withholding the truth are ways that unfaithful and emotionally and psychologically abusive men protect their abusive behaviors.
The confusion that accompanies gaslighting can be so intense that women can have trouble deciphering reality. If your husband has lied to you about his pornography use, whereabouts, gambling, here are 8 things to keep in mind.
1. Don’t Believe The Lies He Tells About His Lies
Emotionally abusive husbands often lie to cover up their actions. They may tell you that their lies are to protect you or the family, but these are just manipulations. One victim, Rose, shared her harrowing experience:
“Prior to our engagement and subsequent marriage, my husband told me that in his teens and twenties, he had struggled with pornography. I said, ‘Well, that’s fine. It’s in the past. But it’s not okay once we get married.’ He told me he would never do it again. But shortly after our third wedding anniversary, when I caught him in a lie, everything started to unravel. I found out he’d been using pornography and cheating on me the entire time.”
2. When Your Husband Lies, He’s Going To Blame You
When your husband lies to you about cheating or other serious harm he’s done to you, it’s psychological abuse. Abusers often shift the blame to their victims, accusing them of being “not safe enough” to confide in. This is a tactic to make you doubt yourself and feel responsible when your husband lies. Remember, his lying has nothing to do with you.
3. When Your Husband Lies, He’s Going To Give Excuses
Expect to hear a myriad of excuses when confronted about his lies. He might say he was stressed, misunderstood, or trying to protect you. These excuses are just another layer of manipulation designed to make you question your judgment and the reality of the situation. When your husband lies, there is no excuse. It’s a choice.
4. He’s Going To Pretend To Tell The Whole Truth
A common strategy is partial confession. By admitting to some lies but not others, he gains temporary trust while continuing to hide the worst of his actions. This tactic keeps you off-balance and maintains his control.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery experts recommend that women don’t confront their husband about the lies, but observe to determine his character. Observing will help you see how serious the situation is and help you make decisions about what to do next.
5. He’s Going To Make Promises – Don’t Believe Him
Promises of change are often empty when coming from a habitual liar. Rose recalls, “He was professing his love to me and had this gift. I remember thinking, ‘This is a bunch of bull. I don’t believe what you’re saying. You’re saying one thing but I’m feeling something different.’” Watch what he does, not what he says.
6. Don’t Think That Talking With A Known Liar Will Uncover The Truth
Engaging in conversations with a known liar won’t lead to the truth. More often, it results in further manipulation and confusion. It’s essential to step back and seek clarity through other means.
7. Don’t Go To Couple Therapy, He’ll Lie To The Therapist
Couples therapy might seem like a logical step, but with a chronic liar, it can backfire. He may manipulate the therapist and the sessions, further undermining your sense of reality and safety.
8. Don’t Talk To Clergy About It, He’ll Just Lie To The Clergy
Similarly, involving clergy can be problematic. Many abusers can convincingly lie to spiritual leaders, turning the support system against you instead of providing the help you need.
Expert Support When Your Husband Lies
Experts on betrayal trauma, such as Anne Blythe, M.Ed., refer to the day women discover their husband’s lies as “d-day” or discovery day. She explains that this day marks the moment when a woman’s world falls apart due to the realization of betrayal. Gaslighting, a common tactic among abusers, involves lying to make you doubt your perceptions and sanity. Anne calls this type of lying “crazy-making.”
Rose’s story is a poignant example of this:
“It just doesn’t make sense. On the one hand, here was this respectable, responsible man that I admired, respected, and trusted, and, on the other hand, here was this double life. This secret life that I didn’t know about, that his friends didn’t know about, that was secret and hidden.”
What To Do When Your Husband Lies
- Acknowledge the Lies: Understand that his lies are a form of emotional abuse.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups that understand betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR) offers group sessions led by professional coaches who have been through similar experiences.
- Document Everything: Keep records of lies, incidents, and any communication. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to separate.
- Establish Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries. This might mean limiting conversations or interactions until you feel safe.
- Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your mental and emotional health. Whether it’s exercise, hobbies, or simply taking time to relax, self-care is vital.
- Get Educated About Psychological Abuse: The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast is a safe place to learn about this type of abuse.
If you’re dealing with a husband who lies, remember that you’re not alone. Many women have navigated this painful path and found healing and strength on the other side. For professional support, consider attending Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Group Sessions. Their expert coaches can guide you through the healing process, helping you establish emotional safety and reclaim your peace.
Take the first step towards healing—learn more at BTR.ORG today.
I read articles all the time because I don’t know if what’s being done to me is just an age thing or a make thing. (This is what I am being told by him). He’s 13 years younger and he had a strong addiction to porn and looking at other women especially on social media. He goes to all lengths to hide it from me. It’s even been times in the past I have found sex apps and dating apps. He reached out to atleast one girl I know of. I confronted him it seemed to stop. He says he is doing better and to what he used to do yes, but he still looks once a week and on weeks when’s he’s in a bad mood it’s more often. Is this wrong? I have begged him to stop because it makes me feel insecure as I am 13 years older and it has really changed our relationship. No real flirting anymore. I have noticed he uses it more often before he comes on to me. So what am I doing wrong? Why does he do this so much? Help!
I’m so sorry this is happening. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. Please join our group today to learn more about what you can do to gain the peace and confidence you need to stop this type of abuse. Click here to see our group schedule.
Please don’t apologize, Anne. We spoke publicly about “recovery” too and in the end it was all a lie; makes me sick just like you said. I think publicly speaking about recovery can be a sign that he’s still an addict/abuser… major ego feeder.
Totally. I didn’t know it at the time, but I know that now! Yikes! I’m sorry that it happened to you too, but glad I’m not the only one. We’re in this together, sister!
I love this article & how supportive it is- not to trigger fear/panic like many other articles I’ve read- My husband is still abusive, verbally & emotionally- depending on his mood or what I am not “allowing” him to do. He gets upset with me when I get anxious about him going out with friends, calling them his ‘friends’ (he used to call his affair partner his friend), and when he’s home alone & im stuck at work or in class (he has a porn problem too). Unfortunately, I’m student teaching- last step of my masters degree & I completed the whole process while he was abusing me- found out about the affair in my first semester & later discovered he was meeting up with her while I was in night classes- up until she left him & then he used porn while I was at night classes or doing homework. Now I work full time for free in this last step of my degree & can not afford to do a separation or even go no contact (someone needs to help buy groceries..). I’ve been waiting to set boundaries for about 2 years now since DDay- and I still haven’t gotten a full disclosure besides what the affair partner told our coworkers, what she told me, and what her husband (she was married at the time & I believe she’s still married) told me. I’m grateful the affair partner & her family moved away- her husband was constantly driving by my house & following me when I left because he knew my car- tried running me off the road a few times even. Now that they moved, I no longer fear he will be waiting for me outside my driveway, but I still fear leaving the house if my husband is home because I can’t trust him & I lost myself in the distrust. I’m triggered going out with friends because he used to get very friendly with girls at the bars when I would be out having fun- telling me he’s so glad I’m enjoying myself & not worried & then I later find out he was flirting with girls while I was doing that to help myself recover. He can’t admit to himself that he had an affair, that he has a problem with porn, or that he craves the attention from other girls- so I can’t expect him to give me a full disclosure or admit to me what I know is true. The lack of income makes therapy hard to afford- and most safety inducing boundaries. I can’t even enforce a no sex boundary because that was the first thing he took away from me when he started his affair- and his sex drive never came back so I feel it is due to continued double life involving porn. I’m at a crossroads.
I’m so sorry to hear about all the abuse you’ve suffered. I’m so glad you found us! Welcome!