After a woman discovers her husband has been lying to her about his porn use or affair, she may turn to a sex addiction therapist who may suggest a therapeutic disclosure. What is a therapeutic disclosure? Here are 4 things you need to know.
What Is A Therapeutic Disclosure?
A therapeutic disclosure is a process that involves the sex addict disclosing their full sexual history to this wife in a so-called structured way with the guidance of a therapist.
In theory, the purpose of a therapeutic disclosure is to provide the betrayed wife all the information she needs to make informed decisions about the relationship moving forward.
However, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t recommend women request or participate in her husband’s therapeutic disclosure for the following reasons.
1. What Is The Stated Purpose Of The Therapeutic Disclosure?
If your husband’s therapist suggests that the purpose of the therapeutic disclosure is to obtain a full sexual history, don’t suggest that your husband do a therapeutic disclosure and don’t participate if he decides to do one on his own.
In fact, don’t participate in his therapy in any way because his sex addiction isn’t the issue.
As a wife of a man who’s been lying to you almost constantly for years, the issue at hand is his emotional and psychological abuse, sexual coercion, and likely financial abuse.
Is he going to therapy for ALL the abuse, including his abusive, misogynistic way of thinking?
2. Abuse Experts Know Therapeutic Anything Makes Abuse Worse
Abusive men aren’t abusive because of their childhood trauma, shame, or for any other reason. They’re abusive because abuse is a choice. If they have childhood trauma or shame, they could choose exercise, over eating, or even model trains to deal with it.
Therapy is to uncover the underlying cause of a person’s behavior, and an abusive man can run a therapist and his wife in circles by giving all sorts of “reasons”. And then the “reasons” take on a life of their own. It’s best to stay away from being involved with an abusive man’s therapy at all costs.
3. A Therapeutic Disclosure Will Put You In Harms Way
Therapeutic disclosures don’t help women find safety. They are dangerous for abuse victims for several reasons:
- Abusers often use the “trickle” method to selectively “disclose” often through lying bits of information at strategic times to manipulate and distress their victim.
- Emotional and psychological abusers will use the disclosure process to prolong a victims exposure to their manipulation, allowing him to continue exploiting her.
- Abusers usually lie during the disclosure process, which means that victims undergo immense trauma for partial truths.
4. What Should I Do Instead Of Asking For A Therapeutic Disclosure?
Instead of convincing their husband to do a therapeutic disclosure, victims should focus on their own emotional and psychological safety.
- Learn More About This Type of Abuse: Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
- Determine Her Husband’s True Character: Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine if your husband is this type of abuser, and if you discover he is, learn emotional safety strategies to protect yourself.
- Get Professional Support: Facing this type of abuse is difficult. There is a community of women who understand. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.
At BTR, we understand the complexities and trauma that can accompany disclosure.
Every victim of betrayal and abuse deserves a safe place to process trauma, ask questions, share stories, and create connections with other victims.
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone. We’d love to see you there.
Thank you for the great information. That’s where I am right now, waiting in silence and observing. I am not liking what I am seeing.
I used to try to initiate conversation, but I don’t anymore. His answers were always just what I wanted to hear. They were not from his heart. Time proved that.
So true. Time will always tell. Thanks for sharing!
Anne almost made it through an interview without talking about herself!
Ah! I know! I wish I could stop! How embarrassing . . . 🙁
Anne, I don’t think of it that way…You sound like an external processor. Sometimes to understand what the other person is saying in a conversation you have to be able to process what you’re hearing in a way that makes sense according to your own experience. It helps the listener to do the same thing. Of course it’s a balance. It’s a tricky situation because you’re sort of having a conversation with the person you’re interviewing but you’re also not. So it’s hard to sort of save some of the processing until later yet also be able to ask good follow up questions.
Thank you for sharing this insight! It’s super helpful.
I LOVE this topic. This is what I need and want Full disclosure to heal. He wont give it to me and I really don’t know how to move forward in the relationship without it. I have already grieved and processed what I know. I want closure and no “what else’s” to linger in my mind. I feel very strongly that it will interfere greatly with my own healing.
I’m so glad it’s helpful to you! Thanks for sharing!!
How do people afford all this support and therapy?
We recommend Betrayal Trauma Recovery group which is affordable – unlimited professionally led sessions a month!
I can see the value of having the three different therapist working together. Do you have any recommendations for the sex/porn addict and also a couples therapist? My husband has finally agreed to seek help, but we are trying to find ones that would be a good match, affordable, and willing to work with us virtually as we move frequently yet need stability in counseling.
What is the value of disclosure if you have no intention of doing couples therapy or staying in the marriage? I don’t think I will ever know any truths around how I was betrayed and I have to find a way to heal from the lies that propped up our life together. My husband decided that he will see someone but I don’t want to be part of his recovery.
That makes total sense. I agree with you. I also did not want a disclosure due to the same factors you bring up here. Since every situation is different, we wanted to bring this topic up for victims to consider.
Just came across this site.
I have to ask all the time for the truth, no transparency or disclosure. I’ve given up, each time l ask it gets turned around back to myself, it’s a vicious cycle.
Porn, live sex cams, escorts & god knows what else, complete denial even if l have proof.
How can anyone have trust when they lie.
My husband “abuser” met with a psychologist for the second time today. This was of course after he was caught with inappropriate videos on his phone. I knew before I found the evidence, I just needed pictures of solid proof because he is an amazing gaslighter.
I told him to move into the basement, he did. He cries, he begs for more chances, he wants to change. He came home from the appointment and said the problem is he has anxiety and is introverted, he just needs Lexapro with Buspar. Lol.
The psychologist doesn’t even think he needs to see him again. I have been married to this man for 30 years. He has never been truthful about his porn/lust addiction only caught. He lies straight to my face. He is a covert narcissist with serious control issues. I’m at my breaking point. I’ve had a spinal fusion, Hashimoto’s disease and now just found out my cervical spine is failing from degenerative disc disease.
We did all the Christian counseling and forgive and forget 6 years ago, he is back at it. I am stuck. I am hopeless. Our children are grown and on their own and I have been a stay at home wife for 6 years, no career, physically and mentally drained. Our first grandson was born 2 weeks ago. I have fits of rage, uncontrollable tears, heart palpations and then let him sleep in my bed because I feel alone, then kick him out. I feel invisible to God. I need help I don’t know how to do this anymore.
I’m so sorry! We’re so glad you found us. We’re here for you! Have you considered our BTR Group Sessions to get some support?