If a woman is being emotionally abused by her husband, she often struggles to pinpoint her husband’s subtle manipulations. Understanding these tactics emotional abusers use is the first step toward gaining emotional peace.
The Reality That Emotional Abusers Use Common Tactics
Anne Blythe, Founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, sheds light on the true nature of emotional abuse. She explains, “It changes your perspective to realize that the baseline isn’t a good guy that loses it, but the baseline is an abuser who can put on this act, then that mask falls off. I think being able to differentiate between those two things is really helpful for victims.”
Victims of emotional abuse may spend years or even decades trapped in a vortex of confusion, trying to understand the what’s happening to them.
#1 Love Bombing Is The Most Common Tactic Emotional Abusers Use
Love bombing was once commonly referred to as the “honeymoon phase” of the abuse cycle. It involves an abuser creating an illusion of love for the victim, making them feel treasured and desired. This emotional manipulation is powerful and deeply moving for victims.
How Love Bombing Presents
- Putting the victim on a pedestal
- Constant communication (texts, calls, letters, dates)
- Early, strong commitment (engagement, marriage, sleeping together soon)
- Criticizing past partners (“my ex was psycho,” etc.)
- Buying expensive gifts
- Sharing intimate knowledge and secrets
- Entrusting personal belongings (car, apartment, credit card)
- Constant, ultimate praise (“perfect,” “hottest,” etc.)
#2 Emotional Abusers Create Problems Only They Can Solve
What is a Manufactured Emotional Tether?
When emotional abusers create a super stressful situation (on purpose) for a victim, and then “save” the victim, the victim feel such relief when the crisis is over.
The Danger of Manufactured Emotional Tether
Intimacy and closeness can’t happen when there is emotional abuse. Victims need to realize that the “closeness” they feel to their abuser after a bad episode isn’t real intimacy; it’s just relief from the abuse that the abuser caused on purpose. Understanding this can help them make better choices about their emotional safety and well-being.
Anne Blythe, M.Ed. created The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to teach victims how to recogonize the tactics emotional abusers use.
#3 Playing the Victim Is A Favorite Tactic Emotional Abusers Use
What is Playing the Victim?
Emotionally abusive men often paint themselves as the victim to manipulate and control. Anne Blythe explains, “Saying, ‘I’m broken. I need help to change. I’m working through these issues that I’ve had,’ not as a broken person, but as a manipulation tactic, is him playing the victim.”
How Abusers Play the Victim
- Minimizing abusive behavior and blaming the victim
- Admitting to abuse with a martyr-like affect
- Denying abuse and claiming the victim is lying
- Citing family origin/abuse, stress, or mental health issues as reasons for abuse
- Blaming wife/children for abusiveness (also known as “Don’t Blame Me For Being a Man”)
- Admitting to and owning the abuse, then sulking about consequences
Taking Action for Your Safety
Betrayal Trauma Recovery prioritizing women’s emotional safety. Learn more about this type of emotional abuse by listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward healing, consider attending a Group Session with Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Our trained coaches, who have experienced similar situations, offer the support and guidance you need.
I can identify with so much in this podcast, especially the love bombing and then the withdrawal. It left me feeling so confused, unloved, hurt, and like a throw away. I can also identify intensely with the people who always find a reason to blame the victim: “She’s too much, she’s crazy, she’s numb, she’s not forgiving, she, she, she”. It’s a lose, lose situation and yet, these betrayals were some of the most painful for me because I thought these people who love God would stand up for injustice, the widow, the forgotten. Often, the victim is blamed and I think it’s because the witnesses can’t imagine someone could be so evil, malicious, cold-blooded, so they shift the blame to the victim to try to rationalize the abuser’s behaviors. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for your recovery program! I just listened to Marni’s story and really felt her heart as she spoke. I, too am trying to understand the abusive marriage that I have been in. Until I found your website, I felt so confused and beat down . . . now, everything is starting to make sense. I lived with such horrible cruelty and betrayal for so long. I am now free and trying to find healing and happiness again. Thank you.
My ex love bombed in making an effort to connect, acknowledge me after the silent treatment. He knew i liked sex so it was a win win for both of us ( not really), , makeup sex which i thought was normal. If i declined, he would abuse and more rejecting and blaming. If I had sex and then tried to bring up recent incident he would say”we made love now you want to hash that out more!”
He never did anything lavishingly. We couldn’t afford it.
I knew my choices were to accept the nice guy or confront the wrong behavior and send him back to abuse and silent treatment with blaming me for not forgiving. (without apology).
My only way out was separation and eventual divorce.
I appreciate this because this is what I am dealing with and have been dealing with for four years. I am hurting inside and I have gotten away from him but he has emotionally, spiritually, physically abused me so much that it is hard to require my brain to healthier thoughts. I don’t know if I am healing because I am in so much pain. I do t know but I will keep listening and put the work in. Shame is something I feel.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now! Have you considered joining our daily, live online support group for victims of emotional abuse?
Recently trying to leave a marriage where I experienced emotional abuse for 14 years. I have 2 kids. God has made it possible.
This is a really great podcast, and then I heard her describe all the ways her boyfriend/husband would “accidentally” hurt her. Now before I go on my soapbox, I do understand giving someone the benefit of doubt once, maybe twice, but what he was doing was on purpose. In the beginning it was to test her reaction and see where her boundaries were. He was conditioning her to lies and manipulation. Of course he was abusing her physically. It’s like covert physical abuse where he has plausible deniability of the abuse.
Recently trying to detach from a 14 year betrayal abuse marriage and two kids. It couldn’t have come except for God’s intervention. Thank you for all you do.
T H A N K Y O U ! ! !