Victims of Emotional Abuse Often Blame Themselves
Victims often find logical reasons to blame themselves. While these may make perfect sense at first, with healing, many women are able to accept that they did what they could to survive the abuse. Further, understanding that these feelings are universal and that many other women are experiencing them too, can be especially healing and vindicating.Victims sometimes place blame on themselves for:
- Not spotting the abuse sooner in the relationship
- Entering into a relationship with an abuser; especially if they felt uncomfortable with him or if were warned about him
- Not leaving as soon as they realized it was abuse
- Trying to make him more interested in them sexually or intellectually to keep him from hurting them
- Not being able to protect their children from his abusiveness
- Ignoring that nagging feeling that “something’s not quite right” (especially after discovering pornography, affairs, or other lies)
- Lying or covering up his abusiveness to others
Do I Need To Forgive Myself?
“Forgive yourself for being abused” and its variations are buzz-phrases in the self-help community. This mentality can be harmful. It places blame on victims and excuses abusers. Instead, victims can give themselves compassion.To show self-compassion, victims can:
- Give themselves permission to set boundaries
- Find healthy support systems
- Become educated about trauma and abuse
- Take “time off” from recovery work and enjoy relaxing hobbies
- Journal and create art
- Process the trauma at their own pace
- Give their bodies extra sleep and nutrition
A common tactic of the narcissist is “you must forgive me because your’e called to.“ In other words, his communication to his victim is that he doesn’t have to ask for forgiveness. Your’e call to issue “unconditional forgiveness“ is a lie and a manipulation tactic. Coupled with that is “don’t bring up the past”. Of course he doesn’t want you to bring up the past because then he would have to acknowledge his bad behavior. The most important thing of forgiveness is being willing to forgive, should he take the proper steps. The willingness to forgive helps the victim to be free of nagging bitterness. Nowhere in the Bible does it say we are called to issue unconditional forgiveness. God himself requires things of us to be forgiven. Such as first acknowledge that we have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God second we are to repent and turn from our bad behavior and third we must request forgiveness. Unconditional love is scriptural but unconditional forgiveness is not. Dietrich Boenhoffer equates it to “cheap grace“. Don’t fall for it.
Jim, thank you so much for these insights!
Oh, you can forgive; that’s not an issue. However, there is no Scriptural requirement to let anyone who has hurt you back into your life. 2 Timothy 3:1-5. You should use your good judgment to protect yourself.