Discovering my husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, was the most painful experience of my life.
Savannah shares her story of resilience and acceptance in the aftermath of her husband coming out after fourteen years of intimate betrayal.
My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – The Emotions Are Overwhelming
Many women in our community face intense and overwhelming emotions in the face of learning that their husband has betrayed them with men. They grapple with blame from clergy, family, and friends, while trying to stay in the reality that sexual orientation or preference has literally nothing to do with them. Below is a list of common emotions and thoughts that women facing this situation experience:
- Intense rejection
- Fear that they “turned” their husband gay
- Shame
- Embarrassment
- Grief over the thought that the relationship was never authentic
- Anger
- Intense frustration over the time wasted
- Sorrow for children they share with their partner
- Self-blame for not “seeing it sooner”
- Self-loathing as they perceive themselves as not good enough, or not attractive enough to “keep their husband straight”
- Intense anxiety that the same situation will play out again in future
Am I Horrible For Feeling This Way?
When your husband betrays you with men, you may grapple with the worry that you are homophobic for feeling complex emotions, including anger, disgust, rejection, or grief.
It’s important to give yourself space to feel the spectrum of emotions that all betrayal victims experience.
At BTR, we understand the devastation, shame, and heartbreak that victims experience. Please don’t suffer alone. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today.
Gay husband i wasnt out.
I have read this “the way he chose to act out” in many articles, and again here. What does this phrase mean exactly?
When I think of “acting out” I see a toddler having a fit. I can’t image this is what is meant by this term. I hope you can clarifying it in layman’s terms.
Thank you.
You are right! Acting out IS like a toddler having a fit. In terms of “acting out” for adults, it includes a variety of abusive behaviors: writing a nasty email full of awful swear words meant to hurt you, having sex with prostitutes, porn use, lying to you, manipulating you to get the outcome they want. It means interacting with you in a less than upstanding way to do / get what they want – like a toddler in an adult body. Think, “I want it now!!!” I want sex now. I want my toys now. I want you to stop talking now.
They are using the term “Acting Out” as a form of Denial. It’s a bunch of filler. The man had gay sex. I have never heard anyone describe a man cheating on his wife with another Woman as “Acting Out.” So why use it when he cheats with a Gay man?
It’s a form of denial. The man had Gay sex. Just say it. Be an Adult. You can’t hide behind religion all the time (I was raised Catholic).
I have been trying to wrap my head around this very topic for over 10 years. I am still dealing with it to this day. My X is hiding behind being the VICTIM. He is the poor guy who is a gay man who society just don’t understand. And as a gay victim of society my children constantly shut me down if I express the hurt and devastation he has brought me. We were married 20 years. 20 years of a lie. I realized that I was USED as a cloak. His mother was is a devout Catholic and his aunt a Mormon. Still to this day, his parents do not know. and to this day he has made me a villain telling his parents I am horrible. He continues to lie to them telling them we are back together. Pretending to be going on trips for a month or two at a time to spend time with me as his wife and going home and telling them how I hurt him. How he needed to get away because I am just so cruel.
His mother hates me now because she believes I lure him in and dump him again. At one point he admitted himself into a mental health hospital so depressed over my ending it. His parents were devastated. Yet we had not been together in over 6 years at that point! My husband is a MANIPULATOR. While we were loving together he would masturbate at least 4-7 times a day. He was out of control! He tried to claim he had multiple personalities at one point.
He was trying to tell me his alter “Wilamina” will probably take control this weekend and he will have no choice but to do what she wants. I pointed out that as an alter you wouldn’t know what the other personality is doing, and on A DIME HIS ALTER AND HIS MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER VANISHED. My kids look at him as the poor man who had to hide who he was because of his fear of being judged. Of course, they do not know of his promiscuous lifestyle which includes men and women and disgustingly CHILDREN. For a person to wake up every day for 20 years and bare face lies to the most important person in their lives is much more than a cheater. This is Sociopathic behavior.
Let’s not forget what it takes to be that person who could care less about the person in their life who has made their life together the most important thing in their life. They take what they want from the person without remorse. TWENTY years I could have been living life with a person who LOVED ME and was committed to spending a lifetime together. To grow old together, loving each other in sickness and health. LOVE DOES NOT BETRAY. It was never love for him. It was manipulation to use me and my children to cloak his lifestyle. We all had a purpose in these men’s lives. TO HIDE THEIR TRUTH FROM THE WORLD THEY LIVE IN. If they can lie daily to this degree what else are they capable of? Cheating once or having an affair because a man is attracted and falls in love for another human a woman or a man has an emotional tie to it. An involvement with that person. Having SEX with another human being without any emotional connection is JUST SEX. You gotta love it when they tell you, “It never meant anything to me, I didn’t love them, I had no feelings for them it was just sex!” For years he was projecting himself. He would tell anyone who listened that I was a liar. He was so full of hate and venom towards me during the marriage. Always making me feel like I was not good enough. Making his family think I was the worst person on the planet. So that if I ever went to them they would never believe me. Which is true to this day. All the while he was making my family think I was a liar, it was him who was living the lie.
I don’t like a lot of language being used in this podcast. The law of chastity doesn’t say anything about masturbation. Also, porn and masturbation have nothing to do with being gay. Straight people, women, men, gay people….. all people can struggle with these things.
Agreed. On our site, women have been betrayed by their husband in a variety of ways. Betrayal can happen from anyone.