If your husband admits he’s abusive, seems like it could be a turning point in your marriage.
But understanding why an emotional abuser would make this admission is crucial to make informed decisions that prioritize your emotional and psychological safety.
To Understand Why Your Husband Admits He’s Abusive, Look At The Timing
It’s a common belief that acknowledgment of abusive behavior signals potential change. However, if your husband admits he’s abusive, its most likely a manipulation tactic to regain control over the situation.
When an emotional abuser admits he’s abusive, it can be a calculated move to evoke sympathy, delay separation, and create false sense of security to hook the victims back in.
Always look at the timing of the admission. If the timing is related to you leaving, it’s manipulation. Consider what is going on and what might be causing him to ratchet up his manipulation at this time.
Recognizing Manipulation Tactics
Recognizing manipulation tactics is crucial for victims of abuse. When abusers “admit” their faults, they might promise change by:
- Confessing to family and friends about their abusive behavior to gain their support or sympathy.
- Attending counseling or support groups, which could be a genuine effort or simply a facade.
- Granting transparency, like giving access to their devices, which might be temporary and superficial.
- Engaging in house chores or child care, appearing more involved than they truly are.
- Adopting new age practices like meditation and yoga to portray a veneer of personal growth.
These actions can be deceiving and a temporary way to take control back.
What To Do If Your Husband Admits He’s Abusive
1. Establish Physical and Emotional Distance
Creating a safe distance from your husband allows you to observe his behaviors objectively, without being influenced by emotional manipulation. From this vantage point, you can assess whether his changes are genuine or strategic. To learn how to do this, enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop.
Even if he admits to his abusiveness and promises transformation, it’s essential to know what his true character is, which the Living Free Workshop will help you determine.
2. Seek Support from The Best Emotional Abuse Support Groups
BTR coaches, who have walked this path, offer guidance tailored to your specific situation.
These group sessions provide a secure environment where women can share experiences and decide on your next steps confidently. With over 92 sessions available monthly, you receive real-time support and connect with women who understand your.
Attend a session today to empower yourself with the knowledge and support necessary to make the best decisions for your future.
3. Evaluate the Changes Over Time
The process to determine if an abuser’s change is authentic takes time.
Give yourself the space to evaluate his actions over a prolonged period. Real change is consistent and sustained, not sporadic or contingent on your presence.
Navigating the complexities of an emotionally abusive husband is challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone.
I appreciated so much about this episode, and commend the guests for their openness, bravery and vulnerability. There was one thing that was said that made me feel uncomfortable and at first wasn’t sure why. After some thought, I think I’ve realized it is objectification. It was the reference to the wife potentially being the “best tool” in the husband’s “toolbox of recovery”. I realized that it was dehumanizing, reducing the wife to an object to be “used” for the abuser’s benefit. Which is what we are trying to get away from, no? I definitely do not want to be regarded as a “tool” for ANYTHING, especially in what should be an intimate, equal, partner relationship. it perpetuates the perspective that the abuser/addict is the most important person to help, and disregards HER humanity and need for help and healing from something HE perpetrated against her.
I couldn’t agree more! Thank you for sharing. We didn’t want to set these men up as the model men, and that language is something to watch for:). Thank you!
Thank you for your comment, Megan. I agree, and if I could edit the way I phrased that in the podcast, I would.
How about adding intimacy anorexia to sexual abuse?
We believe that the term intimacy anorexia is a term used to further justify or minimize what is just emotional & psychological abuse.
BTR saved my life.
Thank goodness for the clarity around the abuse model!!!!!! It made over a decade of abuse FINALLY make sense.
After my body & mind all falling apart due to abuse, and sexual coercion, and therapy induced trauma from proponents of the codependency model- finding out the truth and naming it as abuse, literally saved my life!!!
I’m a walking medical diagnosis-
suffering a psychological and psychiatric break by developing a disassociative disorder, developing auto immune disorders of fibromyalgia and a functional neurological disorder, panic disorder, and anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, night terrors, sexual anorexia (as the therapist called it),severe major depressive disorder, and alexithmya (a ptsd emotional disorder which Inhibits you from feeling emotion, and your body perceives them as physical sensations), reoccurring sexual dysfunctions pain and infections, stomach problems, neck problems, nerve problems, etc: the list
Is sadly extensive….
And now to learn I am normal.
I am normal
For what an abuse survivor would experience.
“Sexual anorexia” is a NORMAL response to trauma from sexual coercion and rape-an unfortunate ongoing situation I endured in my marriage.
Calling it abuse, saved my life.
It made it all make sense!
And it also made the clarity in the need to gain safety imperative!!!!
I’m no where near healed. But I am safe! Separated for the time being and being rigorous around boundaries!!!
Lundys book helped save my life also!
Thank you for being a resource for abused women!!!
And it’s so encouraging to hear men being willing to take ownership of the damage their abuse has caused!
I’m so glad you found us and so glad it helped you! Hugs!
This really helped me see and understand I have been abused for nearly twenty years. I never saw his behavior as abuse, but I see now it was/is.
I’ve been suspicious of his infidelity our entire marriage, but had no visible proof. So every time I confronted him, he gaslighted me. October 21, 2019 I finally got my proof, took the kids (and animals) and left. He came home to a very empty house. We sent emails to his secret account and he knew he lost us. Unfortunately, our sons learned of his behavior through Instagram, so keeping it from them is impossible now; and our daughter overheard me talking about his girlfriends to one of my adult sons. (I thought I was private, but discovered she snuck up behind me.) They were/are so hurt and angry at him, as well as disbelief that I have put up with it so long, but they are proud of me for (finally) leaving him.
He left the house the same night of his “discovery” so we could come home. He has the fortunate benefit of living where he works for only $25.00 a week. Excellent price for an all bills paid room, food and laundry ability. He has been making a LOT of wonderful changes, but this article showed me he has a LOT more to make.
Thank you, Anne, for welcoming me.
I’m so glad you found this to be helpful! Hugs!
I just wanted to share how timely this particular episode is. Just before Christmas, a friend of mine called and told me about a couple of abuse episodes with her husband. I knew she grew up with an alcoholic father. Her husband is a sex addict and is also my husband’s cousin, who grew up on the same property with very little supervision. Anyway, she called me. Family Services had taken her son. I spent most of Friday and Saturday just being “there” for her. When I listened to this podcast episode, I was in tears.
Over the weekend, my friend and I had many text conversations about recovery and men changing abusive behaviors. Family Services has deemed her unsafe because she wouldn’t call what was happening domestic violence. She’s been struggling with calling her husband’s behaviors abuse (which I’m sure we all get) but when she told me about them being worried about her because she wouldn’t call it domestic violence, I immediately thought of Anne and her story. I’ve sent my friend BTR podcast episodes and some of the articles, over the last couple of years, but this episode might really hit home with her because she really wants her son back and she wants her husband to change but she is scared that he won’t. She asked me if the stuff that had happened really was domestic violence and I told her it was.
Sunday, she couldn’t get herself to go to church (I know I’ve been there) and we spent the whole morning texting back and forth. She told me she appreciated my wisdom. I told her thanks and said it’s unfortunate the way I got it.
This last part of our conversation has filled me with mixed emotions. I’m disgusted that she has to go through this and that anyone has to go through this. It sucks that I had to go through it. At the same time, I realized that this is THE REASON I went through all of this, to be a voice and help other women who find themselves in a similar situation.
Since I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I’ve felt like I have a purpose. I never thought I’d be sharing about my experience or sharing BTR stuff with other women. But since finding BTR, especially meeting Anne, I found my purpose and my passion. I’m very blessed to have found BTR. Thank you!!
Thank you so much for sharing this!
This was great! Thank you for sharing. Loved hearing David’s insight.
I’ve seen in your older post about Lundy Bandcroft’s book to not give it to your abuser.
At what point in the program do the guys read this?