Has a therapist or your husband told you you’re the problem because you’re “codependent”. Have you thought, “If only I could figure out how to stop being codependent, I could fix my marriage.”
The codependency model has traditionally been used to “treat” wives of men who are sex addicts or pornography addicts. Betrayed women aren’t codependent, but brave abuse victims who’ve been resisting abuse in every possible way to attempt to get to emotional and psychological safety.
How To Stop Being Codependent When You’re Not Actually Codependent?
If you’re married to a sex addict, you’ve likely heard the term “codependent” tossed around. It’s a label that can feel more like a slap in the face than constructive advice. The truth is, it’s hard to stop being codependent when you’re actually not codependent. Instead, you’re a victim of abuse trying to protect yourself and your sanity.
The Codependency Model: Misrepresenting Women
Here’s what one member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shared:
“He manipulated me to think was codependent, and I had all this “work” to do to fix myself. My husband called himself a “sex addict,” and told me that if I stopped being codependent, he’d be able to “recover” too. This “diagnosis” made me feel trapped and scared.
“For years, I bought into this narrative, thinking my efforts to stand up for myself were “relapses” and that I couldn’t stop being codependent, as if I was somehow complicit in his abusive actions and lies. And then a miracle happened, I found the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast and started listening. I realized I wasn’t part of the problem. I was a victim of emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion.
“Understanding this was freeing. It meant that every time I resisted, every time I stood my ground, it was a win. I didn’t need to stop being codependent because I wasn’t codependent. I was actively fighting back against mistreatment. Embracing this truth empowered me to protect myself better and to shrug off the unfair blame the label “codependent” dumped on me. Each step forward was a victory, proof of my strength and resilience, and a path to reclaiming my life.
Instead Of Figuring Out How To Stop Being Codependent, Know The Truth
When you’re labeled “codependent”, it means someone would prefer to blame you for your husband’s issues, like sex addiction or emotional abuse. Because emotional abusers are manipulative and angry, they successfully condition others to avoid holding them accountable.
This type of victim blaming makes victims doubt their own reality.
Calling you codependent shifts focus from the real issue—your emotionally abusive, sex-addicted husband. This misplaced blame adds stress, making you feel part of the problem.
How To Stop Being Codependent: Recognize That You Never Were
The codependency model is a victim-blaming framework that redirects the cause of the abuse from the abuser to the victim. This approach is harmful in cases of emotional and psychological abuse and sexual coercion. It’s misogynistic in it’s origins, as it blames women for men’s bad behavior. Here are some of the ways the label of codependent is harmful to victims of abuse:
- Victim Blaming & Shaming: The model often shames women for seeking help and safety. Criticizing an abuse victim for seeking assistance is counterproductive and harmful. Responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the abuser. Manipulating victims to feel complicit is a form of psychological abuse.
- Eroding Confidence: It diminishes a victim’s self-esteem and confidence, hindering their ability to take protective actions.
- Increasing Danger: By ignoring the need for emotional and psychological safety, the codependency model puts victims in danger of more manipulation by her abuser, but also from therapists, clergy and others who are prioritizing the marriage over her well-being.
- Neglecting Emotional & Psychological Abuse: The model fails to address the core issue—abuse. If she’s told to focus on her part of the problem, that distracts her from working toward the real solution: emotional and psychological safety. Women who enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop learn safety strategies to navigate this type of abuse, so they can achieve emotional safety and from there, observe from a safe distance to see what sort of a person her husband really is.
Why Codependency Falls Short: Codependency in Abuse Scenarios
The codependency model erroneously conditions victims to believe they are part of the problem, which is inaccurate and damaging. It lacks practical solutions for dealing with emotional and psychological abuse.
If I Stop Being Codependent, Will My Husband Stop Being Abusive?
No. Instead, what’s crucial is learning strategies to protect yourself from the harm of abuse. Victims should never be blamed for any part of the problem, as often occurs in couple therapy, individual therapy, or 12-step programs.
If you’ve attempted couple therapy or addiction recovery to end your husband’s abuse, don’t feel ashamed for not knowing these methods wouldn’t stop the abuse. Although these approaches aren’t effective in halting your husband’s abusive behavior, your effort to seek help demonstrates your bravery and strength in resisting abuse.
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), we utilize the trauma model—not the codependency model. We focus on providing support and strategies that genuinely help you overcome abuse and reclaim your life.
By shifting from the flawed codependency model to a more supportive trauma model, you can begin reclaiming your life and taking actionable steps toward healing and safety.
Check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule, offering multiple sessions daily across all time zones so you can find support whenever needed. We’d love to see you in a session TODAY.
Safety! I used to think it demeaning if I took on role of ‘detective’ so it meant he got away with it for longer. I was unsafe and in danger for longer. I didn’t feel jealous but knew if I could see the truth it would be revulsion and disgust at the deep secrecy and betrayal not jealousy. So not blaming the victim for snooping, being jealous or co dependent is liberating and freedom. Thank you for Betrayal Model and research.