Facing your husband’s emotional abuse is gut wrenching. But it’s even harder when so-called helpers say things that make it worse. Here’s what you need to know about emotional battering you may experience from others.
If you’re married to an emotionally abusive man, here’s what emotional battering is, how your husband and others—sometimes unknowingly—contribute to this type of hidden abuse.
To learn if your husband is emotionally abusive, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
What Is Emotional Battering?
Emotional battering is a consistent pattern of words, actions, or behaviors intended to diminish, manipulate, or control a person. Unlike physical abuse, emotional battering is more subtle and insidious—making it difficult to identify and even harder to explain to others.
Your husband might lie to you constantly, manipulate you through kindness or fake loving acts, invalidate your feelings, or destroy your confidence with constant criticism and contempt. Worse, he may involve others, so you experience emotional battering from people in your church congregation or even neighbors.
Common Emotional Abuse Tactics
Being married to an emotionally abusive man means navigating daily complexities that are draining and painful. Some common tactics include:
- Gaslighting: Making you question your memory, reality, or perceptions. For example, he may say, “I never said that,” even when you vividly remember he did.
- Constant Criticism: Regularly pointing out flaws, whether it’s your cooking, appearance, or parenting, to damage your confidence.
- Blame Shifting: Making you feel responsible for his behavior or blaming you for problems in the relationship.
- Stonewalling or Silent Treatment: Refusing to engage in meaningful conversations, leaving you feeling invalidated and powerless.
- Public Embarrassment: Mocking or undermining you in front of friends or family to isolate you and damage your self-esteem.
- Emotional Withholding: Withholding affection, love, or support to punish or control you.
How Others May Be Pulled into Emotional Battering
Often, emotionally abusive men are charming to others but cruel behind closed doors. This charm can lead others—friends, family, or even counselors—to unknowingly contribute to your emotional pain. Here’s how:
- Enablers: Some people might dismiss your claims because they see him as a “good guy” and can’t imagine him being abusive. Phrases like “He seems like such a great husband” feel invalidating and painful.
- Flying Monkeys: These are people he influences to support his narrative. They might approach you with statements like “You’re overreacting” or “He’s just under a lot of stress,” that hurt you because it’s not true.
- Well-Meaning but Harmful Advice: Comments like “Marriage takes compromise” or “Have you tried being more understanding?” can make you feel the abuse is your fault or that you’re not doing enough.
- Social Isolation: He may paint you as overly sensitive, dramatic, or clingy to others, isolating you from the support you need.
Signs You May Be a Victim of Emotional Battering
It’s important to understand the symptoms of being subjected to emotional abuse. If these resonate with you, you may be experiencing emotional battering:
- Constantly doubting yourself and your decisions.
- Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells” around your husband.
- Experiencing anxiety or depression as a result of the relationship.
- Struggling to explain his behavior to friends or family because he’s outwardly charming.
- Feeling isolated or unsupported, even by those close to you.
Oh boy. Trusting the process of recovery and healing is so hard to do at times. So sorry for the pain you are in. I understand.
Love this. Every word of it. You go, girl.
Well said. I also feel that if I don’t forgive my husband then I am putting myself in a self-imposed jail cell, serving time for a crime I did not commit. Forgiveness is truly a healing part of the recovery process.
So true.
Thank you for your pain, honesty and tears. I just read intimate deception this week and sobbed through the entire thing because I thought I was losing my mind for the last year. Now I just realize I was in betrayal trauma. I cannot put into words the peace that I have found in discovering this group and reading that book. Thank you thank you thank you so much for the wonderful work that you’re doing to help Empower women all over the world. You are a true blessing to us all!
I’m so glad you find it helpful!
This is me!
thanks you for for sharing, there are so many people and marriages affected by sex addiction. By speaking out, you’ve already helped others come to grips with the reality that their life is worth the effort to make the necessary changes to remove the grip of addiction, and they too will tap into their strength and get on the path of healing, thriving, and reaching their own personal goals in life. God bless you all.
Thank you for your kind words!
This is me today… and for weeks. I am having such a hard time letting go of my husband. My mind and body know he is dead in his trespasses, but my heart is aching to have who I thought he was back. Please pray for me.
Melody, I will. I totally understand. You are not alone in what you’re feeling! Hugs!!
I feel like I am shattering apart. This is my story. New Years Eve 2019
The night my world imploded. Celebrating at a restaurant with friends. We were happy together to be seeing the new year & dance & have fun, nothing seemed amiss. My husband who I trusted completely, shared our desires & our dreams the couple who loved & had a beautiful life together for 23 years.
I observed the intimate embrace he gave his mates wife at first. Then we sat at the round table of ten he sat opposite & very quickly started joking about me this then became berating me so loud others in restaurant turned around, he said later it was a joke. She came up & asked him to dance, wondering why they were so long, I looked over the balcony, it was no dance , it was a lustful sexual encounter in a corner. He even stood with me watching the midnight fireworks, kept very quiet kissed me a peck on the lips, not passionately like we did. Walked back in disappeared, had sex with her,came back & sat down directly opposite me, he asked me to take a photo of them. Then turned & asked her to show him her sexy face!
he felt guilty 3 days later, only when I asked him, then lied denied& defended, only remembering the dance floor after I told him I had seen. Then, it was a cheap grope with a slag he said,he groped her kissed her cheek & told her she was beautiful. Because he was scared of what she may say to me. To him it was just an aberration, will never happen again & he loved me then & loves me now, does not want to lose me. I have only asked him one question: WHY! His answer after 10 months Of lies of toxic living is I should forgive him. This is not love, this is deceipt, betrayal & total destruction of my love & trust. He does not see that.I feel I need to escape before he breaks me with his control & manipulation. Would you trust this man.???
No, I would not. Have you ever considered that you’re in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship? We recommend women join our online support group for emotional abuse.