By now, we all know the definition of consent, but what if all our efforts to educate men about making sure to obtain sex before consent has caused a bigger problem?
What if the term consent has been harming women all along?
At BTR.ORG, we understand the pain of processing sexual coercion in an intimate relationship. If you’re a victim of your husband’s sexual coercion, a lack of consent due to secrets he kept from you, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today.
In recent years, the concept of consent has become a pivotal topic in conversations about relationships and personal interactions. But what exactly does “consent” mean, especially within the context of marriage? For women married to emotionally abusive men, understanding the nuances of consent is crucial for navigating these complex relationships.
What Is Consent?
At its core, consent involves a mutual agreement between individuals, ensuring that all parties feel respected and valued.
In healthy marriages, consent goes beyond getting someone to say “yes.”
It embodies a spirit of mutual respect and shared desire.
However, when the definition of consent is merely obtaining an enthusiastic yes, it becomes ripe for manipulation and misuse.
The Entitlement Mindset and Its Impact on The Definition of Consent
Over the centuries, men have developed a strong sense of entitlement regarding women’s bodies, exacerbated by pornography use and misogynistic societal scripts.
This mindset can lead to believing that obtaining a simple yes is sufficient, regardless of the means used to secure it. Unfortunately, this definition of consent is what most emotionally and psychologically abusive men use when it comes to getting sex from their wives.
This phenomenon is further amplified by the easy access to pornography, which desensitizes anyone who views it and skews their understanding of relationships and consent.
For many women, societal and marital pressures distort the true essence of consent, leading them to agree to situations under duress or manipulation.
Understanding the Definition of Consent
To truly grasp the essence of consent, it’s crucial to go beyond the superficial notion of simply agreeing. Here’s what you need to know:
- Mutual Agreement: Consent should always involve a shared understanding and desire from both partners based on transparency, not negotiations. Ask yourself, if your wife knew the truth, would she feel comfortable having sex with me?
- Freedom From Obligation & Fear: True consent can only be obtained when a woman is free of fear or obligation. She can only truly say yes if she feels completely secure in her relationship. She doesn’t think saying no will affect the relationship. Similar to how she would feel, saying no thank you to mint chocolate chip ice cream without fear of her husband acting cranky all day.
Male Entitlement and Its Impact on the Definition of Consent
But the belief that women owe men something (anything) fosters behaviors such as sexual coercion and emotional manipulation.
Within marriages, this entitlement can be the foundation of “consent”, meaning that sex is owed to the man. He just needs to hear the word yes, regardless of how he gets her to say it.
The Definition of Consent in Contexts of Exploitation
In cases where men justify exploiting women for sex, traditional notions of consent fall short.
When financial desperation or manipulation tactics are involved, the interaction ceases to be mutual agreement and becomes coercive.
The Cash Is the Coercion
Viewing financial transactions as coercive highlights the challenges many women face. Just because cash has changed hands doesn’t mean it’s mutual.
The money IS the coercion because there’s no way she would do it without financial coercion.
Platforms like OnlyFans are often seen as empowering for women, but mirror coercive dynamics. Women risk their dignity for minor financial gains, coerced to do things they otherwise wouldn’t if money weren’t involved.
The Misuse of “Consent”, Consent as a Transaction for Abusers
Reducing consent to merely obtaining a verbal “yes” disregards the deeper emotional and psychological aspects involved.
For women married to emotionally abusive men, understanding this distinction is vital. Consent should never be transactional but should reflect mutual interest and care.
A more suitable term for healthy interactions is “mutuality,” which implies that both parties are equally invested in the relationship. Mutuality emphasizes shared respect and genuine interest, moving away from one-sided agreements.
Efforts to teach about consent often don’t work well because they make it seem like a deal. Some may think consent is just a barrier to get around, instead of a way to understand each other. By focusing on working together, we can break down harmful behaviors and encourage healthier relationships.
The Definition of Consent In Marriage
Understanding the true definition of consent is crucial for married women.
Moving beyond a transactional view of consent to one that emphasizes mutuality, honesty, and respect is essential for a healthy marriage.
To determine if your husband cares about mutual sex or if he’s thinking a “yes” regardless of how he gets it is enough, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop.
Maybe mutual ‘sexual’ consent. Also ’emotional’ safety to more narrowly define “safety ” because abusers, partners, clergy, and bystanders, etc. only consider abuse to be physical