Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. If you’re a victim of betrayal, here are some armchair psychology examples you need to be aware of.

When a provider or advocate labels a victim with a certain pathology, without being educated or trained in abuse, it can be damaging to the victim. Too many so-called experts subject women to severe harm. If you’re being blamed for your own emotional and psychological abuse, we’re here to help. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY.

Why Is Armchair Psychology A Dangerous Practice?

The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like “codependency.” Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client’s profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate.

Have YOU Experienced The Dangers Of Armchair Psychology?

Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair psychology without even realizing it – because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions:

• Has a provider or advocate diagnosed me with a mental illness, disorder, or something else, without ever having seen or spoken with me?
• Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis?
• Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment?
• Did the provider give me a diagnosis after speaking with my husband?

Transcript: Armchair Psychology Examples: What YOU Need To Know

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, I’m going to call her Paige. Paige is a certified midwife. And she wanted to come on today to talk about armchair psychology examples. And how armchair psychology harms victims. Welcome, Paige

Paige: Hi, thanks for having me.

Anne: So Paige let’s start with the definition of armchair psychology and why that harms victims.

Paige: When people are labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community, “You’re just not healed enough.” Or, “You’re just triggered because you’re not healed.”

Armchair Psychology Examples: Harmful Labels and Misconceptions

Paige: This is especially when women are countering armchair psychology examples. They diagnose the woman as codependent, trauma-bonded, or any of these victim-blaming labels. And they’re like, “No, that’s not the case. He actively abuses me. What you say is harmful and perpetuates abuse and abuse mindset.” The armchair psychologist examples in this case dismisses them as not healed. Because they don’t understand, they’re not healed, they’re triggered.

Anne: So many people say if you’re angry, it’s because you’re not healed. It’s not that you’re actively being abused, it’s that the abuse happened long ago and you’re still making a big deal out of it and you shouldn’t be.

Paige: Exactly, it’s amusing to me, because many betrayal community women I interact with have gotten to that place where they are like, “Yeah, this is harmful language. This is a systemic problem that needs to be addressed.” They are some of the most healed individuals I’ve met, because they’re really putting in that inner work. They’re not doing a lot of the bypassing.

Anne: I think it’s interesting that the more healed she gets, the more likely she is to know what she wants. And to be more confident to set boundaries.

Paige: Oh, absolutely.

Anne: If she says, “I’m upset. This is frustrating, and I don’t want to talk to you about it. Will you please leave my presence?”

Dismissal of Victims’ Experiences: Armchair Psychology Examples

Anne: People might be like, “Whoa, what’s wrong with her? She must be traumatized. She can’t even handle a conversation!” Instead of realizing, she just doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. She’s more healed than before. She can see what’s going on and separate herself from it more quickly.

Armchair psychology examples: People might think she’s not healed when she is very healed. Also when she’s actively abused, so she can’t be healed, and they’re saying, “You’re not healed enough.” That’s probably true, except they’re not enabling her to be healed because there’s still ongoing abuse.

Paige: When you’re still experiencing ongoing abuse, you’ll have parts of you being re-traumatized. That doesn’t necessarily mean that an advocate or provider telling you that you’re not healed isn’t dismissive of reality.

Anne: Or it’s useful. If anyone tells you you’re not healed, it should be you. You should be the one who gets to decide. I remember someone telling me, “I’m sorry you’re not happy.” It’s like the classic misogynistic, “You need to smile more!” And I thought, “I am happy.” That doesn’t have anything to do with this other issue. I can be happy and acknowledge that there’s harm going on simultaneously.

There Are Systemic Issues in Psychology

Paige: That’s why our language is important, and why pathologizing is so harmful. When we’re talking about experiencing something, instead of using the word ‘but’, use the word ‘and’. Like I’m happy and still traumatized. A lot of it roots back to our language and how powerful our language is; especially when working with and experiencing this level of trauma and abuse.

Recognizing historically, the models we have in psychology are steeped in misogyny and the abuse of women. So much psychology is built on a foundation of pathologizing women as unstable and hysterical. We need to move away from that. The language we use is important. Somebody may say, “I identify with being trauma-bonded. That felt empowering to me to realize I was trauma-bonded.”

As they move through the process, away from those models and unlearning a lot of what is taught, they find that is really blaming victims in its core. Betrayal Trauma Recovery naming the abuse as a choice is very empowering, because we don’t have to revert to pathologizing.

Anne: I agree. Armchair psychology examples are steeped in misogyny, oppression of women, and women are property. So she’s like an extension of her husband, rather than an individual. I love the book, The Woman They Could Not Silence by Kate Moore. They put her in an insane asylum, because they couldn’t figure out why she didn’t love her husband like she should. She had so much hatred of him because he was abusing her and because he put her in an insane asylum.

They were like, “She has to stay here, because she should love him and be grateful for him.” It’s just a vicious cycle.

Believing Victims & Setting Boundaries For Safety

Anne: How hard is it to believe a victim? When she says, “Well, actually, I’m doing well. My boundaries help me feel safer.” And then someone says to them, “No, you’re not. You’re not doing well.” And armchair psychology examples come into play.

Paige: I think it’s that ego default. I know more than you. I’ve taken more classes. I’ve received certificates. I have more letters after my name. When I went into midwifery, I did the direct entry traditional apprenticeship preceptor model. When you add so many letters to the end of your name, you sometimes sacrifice pieces of yourself for those letters. Your ego is sensitive to those challenges.

“I’ve done all this research and I’ve done all this reading, and you are obviously this unhealed victim, so you don’t know as much as I know.” That’s a big part I’ve witnessed. People have a hard time hearing others’ truths. I can acknowledge that people will have different experiences of my spouse, but to minimize that and the betrayal I’ve experienced, because , “He’s a nice guy”…

Anne: As she puts that in quotes, right?

Paige: Yes. Air quotes for that. …is the ego at play. I don’t want to believe I’ve been tricked. I don’t want to believe I’ve been bamboozled. We don’t want to believe we’ve paid thousands of dollars towards a flawed education system that is inherently based on the abuse and exploitation of women.

Anne: One other issue is if they have not been through it themselves, thinking, ” This wouldn’t happen to me so I’m somehow smarter. So I have the answers.” Another instance of armchair psychology examples.

Paige: Luck, pure luck.

Ego & Professionalism In Armchair Psychology Examples

Anne: It had nothing to do with them. They don’t know it has nothing to do with the victims, either. I think it’s some sort of self protection mechanism, like, “I know more. I can see this and show her how to get out of it. That would never happen to me.” Not realizing, no, this could happen to you as well. It could actually happen to you right now, and you don’t even know it.

Paige: When you put gender into play, there are professionals who may have witnessed abuse and trauma in their own childhoods. But being male has a different societal experience than their sister, mother, or grandmother. Their witnessing of it is not the same as somebody actively experiencing it.

Anne: By default, all children of women who are abused are also abused. The type of abuse they’re experiencing and the way they’re experiencing it is vastly different than what the wife is experiencing. The more women are aware of this type of abuse and the systemic oppressive nature of the exploitation of women. The more upset we’re getting about it. For good reason. The more abusers think women are overreacting.

Thank goodness the healthy men are like, “Yeah, this makes sense.” Even if they can’t understand it on a visceral level, they’re allies in it, and that is helpful. The more women speak out about it, the more abusive men are trying to continue that tradition of oppression of women.

Rather than listening and learning, they’re like, “No, that’s not what’s happening. I’m not abusive. You are because you won’t give me intimacy, you won’t do the dishes, or because you’re asking me questions.”

Armchair Psychology Examples & Angry Feminists

Paige: Then they want to gaslight the situation by being like, “Now you’re just an angry feminist.” Whatever thing they’ve deemed derogatory or less than, so it can just completely excuse their behavior because you’ve fallen into this less than category.

Anne: When someone says that to me, I’m like, “Of course I’m an angry feminist, absolutely! You’re not? Why would you not be?” That’s confusing, because of course I’m an angry feminist. All people who realize the systemic oppression of women should be angry. And they should be feminists. To me, it’s not an insult. I’m like, “Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you.”

The reason they say that is to manipulate you to act differently, hoping you’ll be like, “Oh, I am. I’m sorry. I won’t be so upset. I’ll do something different.” So when we agree and say, “Oh, yeah, thanks for pointing that out. I’m so proud to be that. Yeah, that’s great.”

Paige: I get my personal experience from 20 years ago. I saw a provider and received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Armchair psychology examples like that. Any provider I’ve interacted with since then is like, “That’s a weird thing to diagnose you with. You definitely don’t fit the category for bipolar disorder.”

I dated somebody I had been friends with since middle school. We dated after high school. This person emotionally abused me. And I was misdiagnosed with this pathology. I stopped all medication. I have not taken any psychiatric medication since.

Wrongly Pathologizing Women’s Trauma

Paige: We have a mass medicalization of women because we don’t have the proper avenues in place to address trauma and abuse.

The lack of naming abuse that’s occurring happens so often to women. You have a woman who is assaulted and then she’s diagnosed with borderline. When your body responds organically and physiologically, how it’s designed when it comes to trauma and abuse. The biggest issue with armchair psychology examples we see is oftentimes that women’s pathology is used to medicate. And further abuse them.

Men’s pathology is used to enable and excuse abusive behaviors.

Anne: There’s also this misogynistic thing going on that it’s easier for women if they have some kind of black-and-white situation. He is 100 percent unable to change, so now I can get to safety. Or, he 100 percent is not willing to change, so now I can get to safety.

Safety & Boundaries In Relationships

Anne: Rather than realizing you need to get to safety, whether he can change or not, If he’s not safe right now. You don’t need to worry about whether he can change. Or worry about whether a program can change him. You don’t need to worry about any of that, which is really hard. All you need to think about is he a healthy, safe person right now, today? Then today I need to get to safety. Not armchair psychology examples misdiagnosed.

It’s like saying, “This person has Ebola and I know they can be cured, so I’m going to continue sleeping in the same bed with them.” That would be crazy! If the person is currently unsafe, your proximity to them is not a good idea. If they had some kind of dangerous disease, you would not want to be in proximity to them until they were better.

Thinking someone can be cured from Ebola, and so you can hang out with them and dinner with them when they’re still actively showing symptoms, is not wise.

Paige: I’ve not heard that analogy before, but I can see the application. Regardless of whether they can be cured or not, you’re actively being abused. You’re actively exposed to this virus so you are still experiencing the negative effects of it.

Anne: I think that’s what people need to think about. Are they currently exhibiting unhealthy abusive behaviors? That’s your indicator, not whether they could stop them in the future. Also being able to recognize the difference between actual healthy behaviors and grooming, which is also hard.

Harmful Armchair Psychology Examples Pathologize Women

Paige: On that same subject that is harmful with the armchair or pathologizing is the providers who tell women they aren’t healed, are the same people profiting from her desperate desires to be whole.

Anne: Especially if it’s another woman who has been through it. For example, there are women who have been through it, who feel like the codependency model helped them. Who am I to disagree with their experience? I can only disagree with the model.

Paige: When you disagree with the model itself, that’s where ego comes into play. People are like, “No, you’re telling me that I didn’t experience what I did.” I’m literally just saying this model itself is harmful, and here are the reasons why it’s harmful. It continues to blame victims for being active in her own abuse, when that’s not the case.

Anne: There were times when I did 12 step for my husband’s pornography addiction. So I was in “recovery.” doing 12 steps. I worked on “my side of the street” because I thought it worked. That’s what people told me. I had faith in that, and practiced the principles they taught. I found myself repeatedly abused, not understanding abuse and not getting any abuse education.

For an abuse victim, I look back at 12 Step and think I was so much more traumatized than I needed to be at the time. Because of armchair psychology examples of diagnosis.

Trauma In 12 Step Programs

Anne: I was doing the best I could. I think people trying to help me in 12 step were doing the best they could. I don’t think they had negative intentions. But now thinking back, I’m like, wow, they said super, super harmful things.

It’s too harmful to have a bunch of victims sitting in a circle, not knowing they’re victims of abuse, trying to look at their own character defects rather than realizing, “Wait, we’re victims of abuse. We’re strong, we’re brave. We can get to safety.” Thinking back on that is taking my breath away right now. That was so yucky.

Paige: It’s the hope to not have somebody else experience that yuckiness. When my spouse started CR, Celebrate Recovery, with that 12 step program, and went to their meetings. They had a family-type meal beforehand.

I’d go for the meal and then I’d leave because I was like, this is not my jam. It’s just not for me. People, especially women, within their group would stand near the door to try and interact with me to stop me as I was leaving in very passive-aggressive ways.

Anne: Coercion.

Paige: Coercion, further coercion. That’s a great word for it. They found their own identity and healing in those models. I’m just not keen to participate in models that enable abusers. So much of it, they use terminology to gaslight partners or be like, “Just stay on your side of the street.”

The Street Is Dangerous Because An Abuser Is On It

Anne: That street is dangerous. If he’s on it, it’s not that you need to go on the other side. You need to get off the street. Generally speaking, abusers feel uncomfortable setting boundaries with other people. They don’t mind upsetting their wife, but they lie to their wife to solicit prostitutes, use pornography or do other stuff. They’re good at lying, but they never want to tell her no to her face. Because people perceive that as abusive. He’s not willing to say no.

Paige: Yeah.

Anne: Because he thinks if I maintain this image that I’m on her side, then I’ll still be able to get stuff from her.

Paige: What do I get from this? Many abusers choose to continue to participate because it benefits them.

Paige: “It doesn’t matter that I’m deceptive and abusing my wife. I get this benefit.” There’s always choice. We often negate that choice with labels in pathology.

Armchair Psychology Examples During Pregnancy

Anne: As a midwife, can you talk a little about experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and experiencing betrayal when you are pregnant? And armchair psychology examples during pregnancy? I had some super traumatic things occur, as I’m sure so many women have who listened when I was pregnant. Especially with my first son. It was so emotionally abusive, crazy, and awful that I ended up on bed rest.

I had a pretty severe contractions and couldn’t get out of bed. Then, in the end, my cervix would not open, not even a little bit, not even after 36 hours of Pitocin. So I had to have a C-section. I had a lot of pregnancy complications. I’m not sure if it was directly due to emotional and psychological abuse, but I feel like it was. A doctor might confirm that. But I felt like all of it was directly related.

Paige: We’ve had women who have shared different levels of abuse. If you feel safe communicating that with your provider, let them know. Unfortunately, not all providers will be safe. That is disappointing, we can’t even find safety during pregnancy and birth.

One of the biggest things in any pregnancy, but especially when dealing with active trauma and abuse, is focusing on nutrition. Nutrition in pregnancy can address many things abuse can typically exacerbate. When we are malnourished, we are not doubling our blood volume physiologically the way we need to.

We are not growing uterine tissue in the ways we need to for the birth process itself. You find eating is hard when abuse is present. The easiest tip for anyone is to eat two eggs per day. It’s one of the best steps to take in terms of nutrition and pregnancy.

Nutrition In Pregnancy Helps The Impact Of Abuse

Paige: You’re getting choline, all types of nutrients, and B vitamins. Eggs actually feed your liver, and your liver is doing a lot of work. It’s not only dealing with the hormones of pregnancy, but also with the hormones of abuse and trauma. Nourishing yourself is one tool that helps counter the epigenetic impacts of abuse and trauma on yourself and your baby.

Anne: Copious amounts of ice cream Is the answer.

Paige: That is a healthy fat for your brain and your baby’s brain. I would use heavy whipping cream on frozen berries. You’re still getting that good fat, it’s so good, yeah. So not seeing me visually, when I talk about nutrition and pregnancy, many people give me a side eye. They’re like, “You’re 260 pounds. You obviously don’t know anything about nutrition. What the heck?”

Nutrition and pregnancy is very different from our society’s definition of our diet culture. There are providers out there who still practice a restriction in pregnancy mindset, where they don’t want women to gain more than 15 pounds. I’ve known recently doctors, they’re like, you don’t need to gain more than 15 pounds. Any more than that, it’s going to be a problem.

Anne: My one son was nine pounds.

Paige: My biggest baby was ten pounds, ten point six ounces. My smallest was five pounds, four point seven ounces, but that was where I was going through the bulk of betrayal recovery. That ended up being a premature delivery, because of my physiological response to trauma. My blood pressure spikes and it spikes high.

Personal Healing Methods That Help

Paige: With nutritional aspects I addressed in my pregnancy, being 10 weeks premature, he came out big, fat, breathing. He didn’t have any issues because of meeting those needs. He was great. I have experienced negative physiological responses to trauma and abuse. I find that involvement with Brazilian jujitsu and training works for me the most.

Anne: Oh, that’s awesome. You found something that helped you heal. I experienced betrayal through all three pregnancies. But, when it was the most intense. I’d go outside and listen to music. If you’ve listened to this podcast since the beginning, you might have heard some of those first episodes of me crying in my basement. Which I’m still in my basement, by the way, in the same room.

But I listened to music and garden. And I actually created a Betrayal Trauma Recovery playlist, so if you go to the bottom of any of the pages on my website, where it says, join the community, you can put your email in there. And one of the emails you’ll receive eventually is to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery music playlist. I would listen to many of the songs I put on this list, or the meditations and gardening.

Go out, stick my hands in the dirt, get my face all dirty, and dig this giant compost pile. It was this literal big, giant pile of dirt, and I would go out with a pitchfork and dig in it. It felt so good to me to just move my body and be with dirt. Some women don’t want to move at all. They want to cocoon themselves in a blanket in their closet. That’s fine too. There are all kinds of methods for processing what we’re feeling. Whatever works is great.

Finding Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR)

Paige: Very relatable with the gardening is a medicinal herb garden. So many of them are so easy to grow at home. I don’t necessarily harvest, it’s more just getting out there and working in that environment.

I have found your community, and the ability to name behaviors for the abuse and choice they are has been one of the most empowering things for myself. Those two things have been huge for me. Being able to recognize what abusive behaviors are and how they’re harmful has been huge. And not having to deal with armchair psychology examples.

Anne: Would you mind sharing how you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery?

Paige: I have a friend who was in a 14-year marriage with somebody actively emotionally abusive, using pornography, infidelity, all those things. We had known each other through school, but not really had a close relationship. In the complete explosion and destruction of my marriage, I remembered somebody in passing had mentioned just a snippet of her story. I reached out to her. It wasn’t even about what was happening.

I had asked if she knew this specific person, and she later told me she immediately knew why I was asking. Just in her own gut feeling. We created a friendship, and she shared a link to one of your podcast episodes. That was over four years ago. We will forever have that deep spiritual connection that happens when you navigate such a profound grief that comes with abuse.

Anne: As we conclude here, as you were resisting the abuse, trying to get help, can you talk about the obstacles that stopped you from realizing what was happening?

Armchair Psychology Examples: The Pitfalls of Couples Counseling

Paige: If I could go back in time, I would never have consented to couples counseling. Even though it was my idea like, “Oh crap, we need to get to couples counseling, you had sex with a stranger. We have to go see somebody about this.” It was not the best idea. I know the provider meant well, but they do not know how to deal with the abuse of infidelity, pornography use, and abusive behaviors. They don’t know how to deal with that.

So couples counseling is not something I would ever do again. I experienced that. I can say, “Hey, listen, this isn’t a good idea.” Until all abusive behavior stops, it’s not safe for you. They tell you to repair something that you didn’t break because of armchair psychology examples of codependency and other pathology.

Anne: Paige, thank you so much for spending so much time sharing your story, sharing your thoughts. If you’re listening and interested in sharing your story on the podcast, email me at podcast@btr.org.

I love listening to all of you and that’s how I’ve learned as much as I have throughout the years, talking to women like you, Paige and hearing your insights. So thank you so much.

Paige: I appreciate you having me on here today. It’s very enlightening on my end, conversing with you about topics that I am passionate about. I appreciate it and the work Betrayal Trauma Recovery does for this community.

Anne: Thank you.