Have you done something that you’re ashamed of or embarrassed about in response to your husband’s abuse? Here’s the thing, “reactive abuse” isn’t a thing. You were defending yourself against abuse, and that’s always healthy.
You may have heard the term “reactive abuse” used to identify your behavior in association to how you respond to your husband’s abusiveness, but whoever said this doesn’t understand abuse.
“Reactive Abuse” Is the Abuser’s Goal
I don’t want victims labeled as also abusers in trying to defend themselves from abuse. That’s what the abuser wants. He wants people to think, “Well, they both have problems. They’re both unhealthy.” When really you’ve got an abuser and a victim who’s trying to survive.
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
The whole belief behind “reactive abuse” is that if a woman tries to defend herself, she’s doing something wrong.
As we know, abusers will emotionally torture his victim until she acts in a way that is against her normal character. Then he’ll use that to claim that she is abusive.
It’s Not “Reactive Abuse” – It’s Self-Defense
Imagine a bully on a playground relentlessly teasing a younger child. The younger child tries to talk it out, enlist teachers for help, hide, and eventually snaps. And then the younger child is the one punished, because the bully is talented at hiding his cruelty.
At BTR.ORG, we know that the protective action you’ve taken isn’t wrong, even if he paints it in a negative light.
How Do I Stop Acting Outside of My Value System?
Many women in the BTR.ORG community ask: I understand that what I’m doing is defending myself, but how do I get him to stop accusing me of being the abuser when I didn’t to anything wrong? The truth is that as long as you are in close proximity to an abuser, you will probably find yourself taking protective action from time to time. To discover strategies to communicate with an abuser in a way that he’s not able to weaponize, enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop.
At BTR.ORG, we know the utter hopelessness that can accompany psychological abuse. You deserve peace. Get support, attend one of our Group Sessions TODAY. We love you. We believe you.
I understand and agree that abuse is not a CSAT matter, and this is not the type of therapy a couple should seek during recovery. When you are seeing solid and continuous recovery work on your husbands part, and feel like you are ready and safe enough to move into a place of some type of couples work, what kind of therapy, therapist, or other resource do you recommend for recovery as a couple?
Just a general shout out to all the brave women who work for and are involved in BTR. I am 12 years out from my first D Day (there were many) and Leslie’s story so resonates with me – I was particularly validated when she mentioned “couples therapy” including Gottman. I wasted so much time and money on these dead-end roads. If I knew then what I know now, through BTR, I would likely have been spared years of pain and exhaustion. But I’m learning from you guys every day, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m finally getting validation and clarification, 2 things every woman in this situation desperately needs. Thank you, thank you.
Tonight, I was deep in shame and regret and embarrassment at my raising my voice all the time, despite me trying to change change change and be better and more mature and disciplined and set a better example for the children. And I came here, and read some words of grace, and I’ll get up tomorrow and keep on getting through the end of a 25 year marriage. I ran across your content on TikTok a year ago, and it helped me understand why I felt so crazy. Now, I’m out, but financially struggling and housing insecure, so no coaching for me yet. In the meantime, I’ll rely on your generosity in the free resources you so kindly offer. You were a big factor in me leaving.