If your husband is emotionally abusive, here’s what you need to know.
Emotional abuse is difficult to identify. If you’re having trouble figuring out what’s going on, take this free emotional abuse quiz.
1. Your Husband Is Emotionally Abusive If He Lies
Emotional abuse victims state that his constant lying is one of the worst parts of his emotional abuse.
Lies are emotionally abusive because if your husband is emotionally abusive, hiding the truth from you is one way he manipulates your emotions. This emotional manipulation is calculated to control the narrative and maintain his ability to exploit you.
Are There Different Kinds of Lies?
Lying is not just stating the opposite of something you know to be true. There are many different kinds of lies that emotionally abusive husband’s use:
- Lies of commission: this is a lie that is blatant. “I didn’t use pornography yesterday” (when he did use pornography yesterday).
- Lies of omission: he used pornography yesterday, you didn’t ask or discover anything to ask about, and he didn’t disclose it to you. This is a form of lying just as serious as a lie of commission. It is also sexual coercion.
- Fine-Grain lies: he knows what you are asking, but because of the phrase it, he intentionally withholds the truth: “I didn’t use pornography yesterday.” (when he did use it TODAY).
- Exaggeration: yes, exaggeration in the hands of an emotional abuser is absolutely a form of lying. It’s a way to dumb down the abusive behavior and withhold important truth from the partner. “I only used pornography for ten minutes yesterday” (when he used it for hours).
Your Husband Is Emotionally Abusive If He Lies In Other Ways
- Detraction: this is a powerful and manipulative form of lying. This involves telling some of the truth while also inserting some kind of emotion that detracts from what he has just said. “I only used pornography for an hour yesterday. Aren’t you proud of me? I was so excited to tell you because that’s the shortest amount of time I’ve ever used it and it’s just really awesome that I’m making progress. I’m going to call my sponsor, I know he’ll be so happy for me, just like you are!”
- Any other form of manipulation or withholding of truth. When your partner says or does anything to deceive you from knowing or fully understanding the entire truth, he’s lying to you. Any time that he obstructs you from discerning the truth, he is lying to you. Lying, in and of itself, is emotional abuse.
2. Blaming: What Your Husband Uses to Emotionally Abuse You
After discovering betrayal, women will often look at themselves to determine what they did to cause the betrayal.
An emotionally abusive husband will use this as an opportunity to manipulate his wife into thinking it’s her fault. He’ll blame her to:
- Avoid responsibility and accountability
- Pretend like he’s a victim of his own pornography use or other abusive behaviors
- Lie and tell her she’s emotionally abusive to him – which caused him to use pornography.
3. Justification: How He Makes His Emotional Abuse Make Sense
A husband who is emotionally abusive knows his behavior is wrong.
For example, everyone knows that it’s wrong to yell at another person unless you are truly protecting them from danger.
An emotionally abusive husband will raise his voice to asserts his entitlement or other exploitative privileges. However, he’ll justify that this bad behavior wasn’t wrong with any or every excuse possible.
He’s Emotionally Abusing You When He Justifies The Abuse
Justification is another way they can alter your perception of what is going on.
For example, he may say things like, “It’s just porn. It’s not a real person so it’s not that bad. It’s not cheating. I’m a man, so I can’t help it. I have a high sex drive and besides, all men look at porn. It’s a guy thing. It’s what they do. I only do it a few times a month. It’s not a problem.”
4. Gaslighting IS Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting is a way that an emotionally abusive husband systematically undermines his wife’s reality. If he’s created a narrative to alter your reality, you’re being emotionally abused.
At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe that every woman deserves emotional safety. You don’t have to do this alone.
Thank you so much for this. I resonate with so much of what you said. I feel heard and not crazy! For me I’m moving on as his actions don’t match his words. He’s deluded.
I’m so glad you found us! We’re hear for you:).
Excellent! Thank you!
How much is btr coach please?
You can schedule an individual session with our betrayal trauma experts by clicking here.
Or you can join our daily support group for women experiencing emotional and psychological abuse here.