He’s been hiding porn. Now he identifies as an addict, but it’s clear he’s hiding something else.
Many women come to BTR confused because their spouse is attending 12-step groups, therapy, or other sex addiction treatment.
Pornography Addiction Treatment Doesn’t Stop Emotional Abuse
But the abusive behaviors haven’t stopped. He’s still secretly using pornography. He’s gaslighting. He uses explosive anger to create a dynamic where the family is walking on eggshells. He’s a chronic liar but constantly promises to change.
So what’s the missing link?
What’s He Hiding?
So he says he can’t stop using pornography because he is addicted to it. Addiction is a disease, and by giving himself a disease, he makes himself out to be someone who is harmed by pornography.
Claiming addiction also removes the “choice” factor.
I’m addicted… so it’s not my fault. I’m not responsible for my harmful actions.
Hiding Behind “Addiction” to Seek Privileges
Hiding behind the “I’m a diseased pornography addict and need lots of empathy and sex so I can get better” mask gives abusive men loads of privileges.
Some of those privileges include:
- The “right” to coerce sex from his partner to “treat” the addiction – often encouraged by sex addiction therapists and/or clergy.
- Sympathy from others as he comes out as an “addict”
- The “right” to demand forgiveness and sympathy from his partner.
- Control over his partner and children (he can hide behind the addict label and use it to get favors, control behavior, and dictate what should and shouldn’t happen, because he is “diseased”)
- The “right” to use pornography and sexually act out occasionally, because as an addict, he can give himself permission to “slip” or “relapse” once in a while and still get a parade from therapists and his partner for telling the truth, “being accountable”, or relapsing in a decreased capacity than previously.
Oh No, This is My Life. What Can I Do?
At BTR, we understand how devastating it is to have the “addict” rug pulled out from under your feet and have to face the reality that your husband is abusive. Secret pornography use in and of itself is abuse. Compounded by lying, gaslighting, sexual coercion, and more, you are a multi-dimensional victim and you need support, safety, and education about hidden abuse and trauma.
One great first step is to establish safety boundaries.
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
As you work toward emotional & psychological safety, know that you are not alone. We believe you, we trust you.
0 Comments