Narcissistic men are notoriously abusive during the divorce process – and often extremely convincing pre-separation that they’re not like those other abusers. But they’re lying. Here are three things to do when you prepare to divorce your narcissist.
Regardless of where you are in your journey to safety, at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we strive to provide you with the information that you need to be prepared for every scenario.
1. Prepare To Divorce Your Narcissist: Get A Handle On Finances
Narcissistic abusers use financial abuse to control victims.
Financial abuse takes many forms, such as:
- Controlling the money and giving the partner an “allowance”
- Discouraging or refusing to allow the victim to hold a job
- Taking out loans or going into debt with or without telling the victim
- Hiding or compartmentalizing money from the victim
- Shaming or guilting the victim for spending
- Taking money from the children
- Refusing to work
- Using pornography at work
- Putting credit accounts in the victims name and debit/savings account in the abuser’s name
- Using financial resources to pay for drugs, sex, pornography, or anything else that the victim does not know about and/or approve of
- Withholding financial resources as a tool to control the victim (i.e., sexual coercion)
For Bea, her abusive ex-husband kept her completely in the dark about their finances, which was severely detrimental to her during the divorce process. She said, “I had no idea where he put our money or what he was doing. When he left, I had $675 and that was it. I didn’t realize I was experiencing financial abuse.”
2. Prepare To Divorce Your Narcissist By Documenting His Abusive Behaviors
Keep a careful record of any and all abusive, harmful, and negligent behaviors that your husband exhibits toward your children.
While this may feel daunting and overwhelming, trust your instincts and put the time in to carefully document his interactions with them. The BTR.ORG Living Free and Message Workshops help women know what strategies and tools to use.
3. Choose Your Battles Wisely
Narcissists know how to push buttons. They know how to keep victims swallowed up in their destructive chaos.
Choosing your battles carefully will help you stay grounded and centered within yourself and help you in the family court system.
Get Support As You Prepare To Divorce Your Narcissist
We understand the fear, devastation, frustration, and terror that comes with divorcing a narcissist.
The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is always available to you as a place to process your trauma, ask questions, and share your worries and triumphs. Attend a session TODAY.
This resonates with me a lot,the mask has completely fallen off and he is working over time to be extra nice to the people in my circle trying to super hard to further isolate me and control the narrative
Female, about to turn 38. After now 12 yrs of “knowing” my narcissistic ex husband I feel like I lost my soul and spirit. The saddest part is it have 2 children.
I’m a mom of six in my 30s. Two of my children are stepchildren, but they live with us full-time. I am their mom, but one night he put his hands around my neck and I decided to call the police again.
Before when I called the police they didn’t believe me because I was emotional and he was calm and cool. They believed him also because they knew him.
But they believed me this time. I got a protective order and we are separated. I’m stuck in the middle – do I get divorced? Or do I work on it? I do believe he is a full-blown narcissist. I’m scared to divorce him. I’m scared of how he uses the children as pawns. I can see this mask he has on right now I feel so much better for him to not see me as an enemy and that’s how I know that the 13 years of abuse has gotten to me.
I have days where I think I could reconcile, and I have days where I would wonder why I would ever put my children or me through that kind of hell ever again. But if there was a glimmer of hope that he was actually changing it would feel so much nicer, but I think I’m being manipulated into believing he’s changing.
I’m so lost I don’t know what to do. He’s in therapy. I’ve been to therapy. 13 years and six kids is a lot of things to consider, and I’m just so broken a shell of the person I used to be. I just want to be the healthiest I could be for my children.
But I’m scared to actually divorce. My husband checks every single check off of the narcissist checklist and had a horrible childhood. I really don’t know how he could ever genuinely change his personality type is literally argumentative and manipulative. He can get his own way even if he’s wrong with many people and authoritative figures. It’s scary to see.
I try to be nothing but kind and honest and I do not know how I got trapped into this. I was so naïve. I got with him when I was 19, and I had no idea what the heck was going on or how the fights always ended up being my fault. I moved all of my stuff out on at least three occasions within the first two years even after having my first child with him. And then a church official told us that we needed to be married in order to have God’s blessing on the marriage, and I did that hoping it would help change everything and of course it didn’t.
I’m just at a loss and some days I can’t stop crying, and I have toddlers to take care of this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I was with a narcissist for over 20 years. I began a relationship with him when I was 15. My life has been destroyed. I lost custody of my beautiful daughter, 7 and was ripped apart in court by his lies and his parents lies. The GAL believed him and his parents and was bias from the start. I didn’t stand a chance. I’m not giving up and I trust God will make a way and reunite me with my daughter. What we endured was the most traumatic experience and if I had to imagine the greatest pain and suffering I could go through in my life it would be what we lived. My purpose now is to secure my daughter and bring her home where she desperately wants to be. How do you do that when the courts have been fooled believing your child is in the care of genuine people?
It’s so difficult. Most abuser victims go through more abuse in the court system when the court doesn’t recognize the abuse, and children are put in danger by being forced to have contact with an abuser. There are no answers right now, but keep sharing your story, keep praying. Have you considered joining our daily, online support group?
Please don’t believe he will change. I was 18 years with that hope for nothing.
I just came across this site and saw your comment and felt EVERY single thing you said. I am pretty much in the exact same situation right now as you were except my childhood was great, but my mom and most of my family has already passed so my family support network isn’t big at all.. nothing like what seems to be his Army. I’m so stuck, lost, and scared like you were. I’m really hoping things are better for you!
Please hang on to your faith! Your story sounds exactly like mine.
I am in the thick of it! This information is so valuable. Thank you 🙏